Odds and Ends: Search Engine Edition

-For my blind readers who can’t see and are instead having this blog read to them (maybe by one of those cool automated computer voices), I got totally bored and decided to experiment with a layout change. Just for shits. I really liked the old one, but it bugged the heck out of me that the titles of posts were green when my scheme was trying to be bluish. WordPress would not let me change this. I like this one, apart from the frilly flowery things above the links and whatnot. Flowers don’t really say “Austin” (me or the city). But at least they aren’t fraking green.

-The Oscars!…. were a little boring this year. I only saw one of the best picture nominees, and it did not win. And while my two favroite movies from last year, Milk and The Dark Knight, did get a lot of love, I’m starting to wonder why I even care about this stupid show anymore. Every year I think, “Oh, this ceremony is gonna be off da hook!” By the time 3:30 CST rolls around (the average time the show ends), I’m mad, bleary-eyed, and reflecting on my wasted life not making movies. Such is the lot of a commie homo-loving son of a gun.

-I’ve been working on my Spanish. “Escoba” means “broom,” according to my Spanish Mac Dashboard Widget (or SMDW for short, which sounds like a sex act). Thus, what I should have said last week was “tenga escoba?” Yes? Si?

-So, running was going well for a while. I made it up to SIX MILES the other day, further than I have ever probably even WALKED in a single sitting (walking?) in my life. Maybe I pushed myself a little to hard, cause my knee hurts like a somabitch. It’s usually fine during the day, but the second I start running… disaster. I only made it 15 minutes today because of the knee, not even enough time to reach Lady GaGa on my “Rerning” playlist. Sigh. Something tells me a Knee Storm ‘09 is in my future, and a Chris Redfield is not.

-Chris Redfield.

-I’ve seen this done on other blogs, and I thought it was fun, and since I have nothing else to say right now, I’ll do this. Below is a list of some of the various terms people have used in search engines to get to this here blog. Some are quite funny. In the interest of public service, I will address a few of these queues with some helpful advice. Remember, these were all terms used to get here. Some make sense. Some prove the internet is weird.

1. Rihanna Austin review

By far my most popular search, along with Kanye. If you look around you can find it, but long story short: it was good and she was cute. And it was, like, a year ago so get over it. But we do all need to stay strong for our beloved Rihanna. This whole Chris Brown thing is kinda sick, and the only thing that comforts me is Rihanna has Jay-Z on her side. Double your pleasure, Chis Brown, double your PAIN!

2. Wearing an arm cast

Wear it on your arm. How fucking hard is that?

3. How to be a hipster elitist

Attend SXSW. Hate everyone else’s band. Yadda yadda yadda.

4. Men dicks/Big dick men

Okay, hey now! This is a G-rated blog, for fuck’s sake! I imagine these searchers where disappointed when they came here but, the internet being what it is, probably eventually found gratification somewhere else. But seriously, I don’t think I’ve mentioned a single dick on this site? Or have I? Was I posting in my sleep again?

5. Sling cast

I have a picture somewhere on here that explains this.

6. I’m melting!

I’m so sorry to hear that. Try jumping into water or, you know, not standing by the microwave with the door open.

7. Review chesney concert

I didn’t even go to this one. I imagine he wore a hat and sang.

8. I want to wear skinny jeans

You poor, poor thing.

9. My blue arm cast

Mine was probably prettier than yours AND probably had more signatures AND probably smelled worse. Advantage: me.

10. ^fullfuck

Seriously, huh? “You know, I’m really tired of those semifucks,” search engine guy says one day. “I need to find me one of those real, bona-fied fullfucks! Hmmm, Just Like the City? Maybe there’s a fullfuck in here!”

Two hours later… “Why did I need to read that much about a wedding? And E.T. shopping at American Apparel? WHERE THE HELL IS MY FULLFUCK!”

And scene.

11. family reunions

Fun fun fun! I hope this person wasn’t scared off from family reunions forever, though…

12. gymnastics 2008 pictures pictures/cut olympic gymnasts

I got a lot of these and their variations, and they are something I think I actually helped with! You are welcome! With that new search bar in the corner, see if you can find the picture again!

13. rain cloud wii mario cart

You misspelled “cart,” you wii-tard. No wonder it’s always raining around you.

14. men and big dicks/big men with big dicks

Honestly, this has gotten out of hand. Or has it gotten… in hand? Mwa ha ha!

15. hipster douche

Hipster douche! Go ahead… go outside and scream it! I promise you will feel better. I think that was the answer you were looking for.

16. shirts to wear with skinny jeans

None.

17. how to wear skinny jeans

Don’t.

18. orson scott card

Now let’s talk about a douche. I didn’t literally throw his books away, but I did pack them up and turn them into Half Price for 12 big ones. It was quite emotional. There were like twenty of them, ask Morgan. With the twelve bucks, I purchased The New Joy of Gay Sex. Okay, not really, I bought a Michael Crichton (RIP) book. But wouldn’t that have been funny? I kind of thought it was wrong, potentially placing these books in other people’s hands. But I am no censor, people can read and say what they want. And 12 bucks!

19. nerd; all the ladies stranded in the lin

The ladies standing in the “lin” for the nerd show did not get in. Sorry to break it to you.

-And just as I go to post this, I see another search: “pictures of men with big dicks.” I suppose I’ve found this site’s calling…

-And in honor of my blog’s new “dark blue” look…