Sega Isn’t All That Great, In Retrospect. There. I Said It.

Sorry for another post about video games. For some reason, they have been consuming my thoughts lately. Maybe because I’m not entirely happy with everything and reflecting on my glorious childhood is the only thing that gets me through the day? Or maybe I really am just that big a dork. Whatever the reason. I’m warning you to stop reading now. 

As a “grownup,” I’ve never really had all that big a problem with Sega games. Yes, I will always be a Nintendo boy (4 life!), but I’ve always been kinda respectful of the Big N’s big rival (and don’t give me that Sony or Microsoft shit). I’ve enjoyed their games. I effing LOVED the Dreamcast. I even count Shenmue as one of my favorite games. 

This wasn’t always the case. The world is always split into dichotomies. As adults, it’s stuff like Democrats vs. Republicans, America vs. The World, Poor vs. Rich, etc. etc. You know, important stuff. And we prepared for these showdowns on the playground as kids. There were a lot of arguments at my school. Some of the biggest ones: G.I. Joe vs. Ninja Turtles (Ninja Turtles), Longhorns vs. Aggies (Longhorns), Kelly Kapowski vs. the girl on California Dreams (Zack Morris), Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat (this was a particularly vicious one at Old Town Elementary, but Street Fighter, doy!), Marvel vs. DC (Marvel back in the day, although I wasn’t that into comic books), etc. etc. You know, important stuff. 

The biggest showdown was always Nintendo vs. Sega. Both companies were at the height of the console wars during my days on the playscape, and we carried this fight from our rooms to the monkey bars. I was, and will always be, a complete, biased, and unequivocal Nintendo apologist. The fucking Genesis didn’t have shit on the Super Nintendo, “blast processing” be damned. 

I always thought it was weird that kids fell solely along one of these parties. It was like parents absolutely refused to buy their children another system (“why do you need another one, Timmy? Don’t you already have one of those Mario machines? Why would you want another one?”). So we were stuck with what our parents bought us and we defended it like we were defending The Alamo (as in, poorly but with lots of enthusiasm). 

And weren’t those Sega kids weird? It was like their parents didn’t really love them. They knew they were on the losing side of this battle, but being the little brats that they were, they simply could not admit defeat and had to go on and on about how much better Golden Axe was than Zelda. Seriously. You have got to be shitting me. They just had this superior attitude about them, like they were better than us or something. And it was at its worst when they would pull those stupid Game Gears out. Even the most diehard Nintendo fan can admit that the Game Boy didn’t have the best graphics ever, but at least it had the games. And the friggin’ battery life. What good was full color graphics if A) the thing ran out of batteries every hour(ish), 2) it was so bulky it felt like holding a frozen fish, and 3) the games all kinda sucked? 

Now, eventually I kinda caved and asked my parents for a Sega Genesis. I figured I could split the difference and at least be a fan of both and thereby cement my status as the coolest kid in school (which I wasn’t and never was). So mom calls one day and says she found a Sega at a garage sale and I’m like, “oh, you gotta get it!” She brings it home. It was a Sega Master System, not the Genesis. If you thought the Genesis was iffy, did you ever try to play a Master System game? Sheesh. God evidently did not want me to be a Sega fan, so I gave up. No need to tempt fate, right? Stupid Master System. 

When the Dreamcast came out, years later, I was determined not to get one. I already had an N64 and a Playstation, and they were both great, and Sega was basically dead in the water, so why would I need one. Screw Sega, I hope they die and rot in hell! But then I saw Soul Caliber in action. It was like watching real life! Who could have thought graphics could look this good?!? And my dad saw one of the football games and swore he was watching a live NFL broadcast. And since I didn’t have anything better to ask for for Christmas, I got a Dreamcast. 

And I loved it. Still love it to this day. And I became, for that year and a half, a Sega fan. 

So recently, they release this huge Genesis game collection for the Xbox 360. I’m talking 40 something of the “best” Genesis games all in one collection. Sure, I could just emulate them. But that’s too much trouble. And I want the experience of playing some Sega games on a TV with an actual video game controller. And since I was all like, “Sega’s the shit!” I got it in an attempt to uncover an entire treasure trove of games from an era I missed. 

My excitement quickly turned to horror when I found that most of these games, to put it as nicely and maturely as I possibly can, sucked ass balls. I don’t really know who ever thought this shit was better than the Big N, but they should be in therapy cause these aren’t necessarily video games. They are attempts at simply making a game. And the attempts, for the most part, seemed to have failed. 

I think my big problem with Sega games is that they are typically ports of arcade games, since they were really big on the arcade scene and Nintendo really wasnt (apart from like Donkey Kong and the original Mario Bros.). And what works in an arcade, where games are specifically designed to steal all your money, doesn’t really work as well at home. If I pay a quarter (as it was back in the day, before the Great Recession), and get my ass handed to me, but have mildly distracting fun for five minutes, that’s one thing. But to plop in excess of $50 on one of these things only to have the gameplay remain largely unchanged? And be stuck with it cause my parents won’t buy me anything else? That’s not good. 

And I really don’t know how to put it, but Sega games just feel clunky. When you tell Mario to move somewhere, he pretty much does it precisely. If you die in one of the 2D Mario games, chances are it was probably your fault. When you tell Sonic to move somewhere, he kinda chugs along at first before getting up to speed, gets stuck on a hill, and takes a freaking runway to stop. And it’s not just limited to Sonic. ALL the Sega games control like this. They just don’t respond well. Maybe they controlled better with an actual Genesis controller, but even old Nintendo games play alright today on analog sticks. Add to that graphics that are a little too big and a little too muddy and you got a bit of a problem. 

Then, there’s the fact that a lot of their games are rip offs of Nintendo games that are simply not as good. Golden Axe Warrior, a Master System game, is pretty much a complete Zelda clone. The layout of the game is EXACTLY the same. The dungeons are EXACTLY the same. But it really has none of the charm, just slightly better graphics. Phantasy Star tries to do Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, and it’s actually not all that bad (especially IV), but it is so needlessly complicated. And simply not as fun. And could someone please tell me what I am supposed to do in Ecco? I can’t even get past the first screen. 

Now, Sonic is kinda alright. Not as great as people remember it I’m sure, but kinda alright. But one of the big Sega classics, Altered Beast, is without a doubt one of the worst games I have ever played. And I’ve played some crap. Can someone tell me why Sega fans hold this game in such high regard, cause I’ve obviously spilled the proverbial Kool Aid all over myself on this one. The game controls just about as well as if you were playing with a turd, and the gameplay is so repetitive and boring that I can’t even will myself past the first level. No, not even to unlock an achievement point! And this was a game that came with the system, so it was pretty freaking high profile. If I had played this as a kid, I probably would have ended up a serial killer (albeit one that wears the skins of animals). Since I had Mario, I am a wonderful human being. 

The Streets of Rage series is an exception. Ignoring the fact that it’s a rip off of Final Fight, the three games are a hell of a lot of fun and probably the only things really stopping me from snapping the disc in half. I think it’s because they control like Nintendo games, as in good. They move fast, they are fun to play, and the music stands on the same level as Nintendo music, maybe even better (don’t get me started on Genesis music in general). 

So this is the best that Sega put out during the Genesis days? Seriously? This is what all the fuss is about? Can you even IMAGINE what a Nintendo disc like this would be like? Say Nintendo came out with a compilation of all their Super Nintendo first-party games, as Sega did here. Oh my Lord. Super Mario World, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Super Metroid, Donkey Kong Country (technically second-party, but it passes), F-Zero, Star Fox, and so on. Just those six games right there are better than any of the forty put forth by Sega. And I didn’t even mention the original Super Mario Kart or the Mario All-Stars collection. But now I did. So there. 

Look, long story short. If you were as privileged as I to grow up a Nintendo kid, consider yourself truly blessed from above. You are probably smarter, better looking, your parents took an active interest in your well-being, and are probably just an all around better person than your Sega peers. After seeing all that I have typed on this subject, I am considering not posting it. I feel dorkier than I ever have in my entire life. Yes, even more so than any of the Star Wars conventions I have attended (but I’ve met Chewbacca and Carrie Fisher and you haven’t, so there). But I am clearly passionate about this subject. Thank you for letting me vent. And now, commercials from the early ’90s. Ah, to have been a marketing director at that time…

First, Sega: 

 

(Blast Processing my ass)

 

 

And now, Nintendo:

(Was that not the most 90s commercial you have ever seen? I mean, they used the Butthole Surfers)

My 11 Favorite Video Games of All Time (Because I Have ABSOLUTELY Nothing Better to Do and Nothing Is Going On At Work)

 

This is the time of year when people, such as bloggers, do end of year lists. They tell you their favorite movie of the year (The Dark Knight), their favorite music (Viva La Vida and “Single Ladies”), their favorite University of Texas quarterback (Oh My God, yall!), and all that stuff. Well, I don’t want to do that. I would like to take this opportunity to do something else.

Word on the street is, we’re in a recession. Every industry is doing pretty much terribly. Except video games, which are apparently recession proof. Taken to its logical conclusion, this means that in several years the only thing left to do will be to play video games (can I get a what, what?). So you had better brush up on your knowledge, right? Allow me to help!

Now, I don’t want to go crazy here and start making a lot of lists on this blog cause A) they’re stupid, B) it’s a cheap way to provide content and C) I think many people have the same favorite movies/books/marsupials/whatevers that the lists don’t create enough controversy. But I’ve been playing A LOT of video games lately, for whatever reason. And, since I have absolutely nothing else to post about, I’m going to tell you about my 11 favorite video games of all time. You’re still reading so you really can’t complain.

A few things about the list before I start. First, it’s not the world’s most groundbreaking list. There should not be too many surprises here for anyone who has more than a passing knowledge of the world’s most fascinating art medium (yeah, I said art! I’ll get to that later). Second, there are 11. Top 10 lists are boring. Third, I limited myself to one pick per franchise so the list would not be overrun with Mario games. HOWEVER, in the case of my top two, there is no way I can decide on which game in this certain franchise (can you guess which one?!?) I liked best. So I put both on here. And that’s another reason there are 11. Finally, I realized that there are no NES games on here. At first, I thought “WTF mate?” Without the franchise rule, several would have made it. But the closest NES game that would make the list without containing the words “Mario” or “Zelda” in the title is Contra, and I can’t even beat that without the Konami Code. So I didn’t include it.

And yes, I am this big a dork. The following list confirms it.

Things I Want But Don’t Need: Zelda Edition

So every time I sit down to write a post, I usually begin with a well-intentioned idea. For the past week or so, it’s been, “I’m gonna write my review of Indiana Jones today!” Then something happens. I fire up Firefox, check my mail, and then wander aimlessly for the next few hours through the desert of the Internet, getting completely distracted by anything and everything. It’s like I have the attention span of a peanut (which I assume has a very low attention span).

Okay, so I was going to write that review today, and I was even thinking about knocking out a write up on Sex and the City as well, which I have more than a few things to say on. But then I came across a story about a wrestler who wears Legend of Zelda boots. Not some nerdy kid who wrestles in the backyard, but a wrestler on WWE who is actually shown on TV and might actually have a fan base and who plays through The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past once a year like I do! Here’s some pictures of him. But more importantly, look at his boots. His BOOTS, I told you:

That’s the Triforce symbol on them there boots, from the games. This led me to several conclusions. First, I really want those boots. There’s nothing particularly special about them, but they are blue. Second, I had to Wikipedia and Google research this wrestler, Cody Rhodes, cause I found him, um, intriguing to say the least. Thirdly, my fascination with the Zelda games, and the character Link in particular, is getting unhealthy for a person my age. Forthly, what other Zelda merchandise is out there that I don’t know about? Here are some of my favorite items from my exhaustive research. And by favorite, I mean I might actually seriously maybe kinda want some of this stuff:

Bedsheets. For sweet dreams.

An unnecessarily creepy throw pillow.

An unnecessarily creepy Halloween mask.

A thermos which I would totally take to work and if you don’t belive me then you don’t know me.

A freaking gold NES. That’s nice.

A cutting board. Sure, I don’t cut stuff. Sure, it’s completely useless. But…but…I want!

And a freaking Zelda sword! Oh, wait, I might have already accidently obtained this one…

Moral of the story: I had high hopes for this blog when I started out. I even discussed politics once upon a time! Now I’m reduced to posting pictures of wresters in blue underwear and Zelda boots. And as long as I’m sinking that low…the Zelda cartoon!:

Mario Kart Wii: After Tackling I-35 on Friday Afternoon, Rainbow Road Ain’t No Thang!

I loved Super Mario Kart back in the day. Still do in fact. I really liked Mario Kart 64. I’m a little mixed on Double Dash, though. The game was still fun, but I don’t think the whole “two drivers” mechanic really added anything new to the system besides make it unnecessarily complicated (I know complicated is not the best word to describe Mario Kart).

The most exciting thing about the Wii, as it is with any new Nintendo system, is seeing how all of our old favorites are updated. Mario and Metroid both came out awesome, as did Legend of Zelda (even though they made Link right-handed which I had some issues with…how’s that for modern cool nerd?). On a system that has largely ignored the normal gamer in favor of the new, all-important “casual” gamer (by causal, they mean girls, three-year-olds, the elderly, and your mom), the old school Nintendo franchises have fared well for us old fans by still being, you know, games and not gimmicks.

But the Nintendo party games like Mario Kart and Smash Bros. are a different story. It’s not that they are bad games. In fact, they’re a hell of a lot of fun. Why? ‘Cause the one before it was fun, and the new one is the same game with slightly enhanced graphics. Super Smash Bros. Brawl is great and all but its pretty much the same game as Melee only with more shit thrown at you.

The exact same could be said about Mario Kart Wii. Played a Mario Kart game before? Great. You’ve played this one. Now, that’s not an entirely bad thing. Why mess up something that was just fine to begin with? And you’ve got online now. And motion controls. Those count for something, right?

First, the online. It’s awesome that you can race people half a world away or create ghosts on Time Trial tracks and then upload them for other people to challenge. But just like Brawl, the multiplayer in these games is the most fun when you are actually in the room with people, trash talking and throwing controllers and screaming and drinking and crying and what not. I tend to see online multiplayer modes in these games as a step backwards. It’s a great feature to have, just don’t skimp on the regular, four-controller mode, which Mario Kart Wii doesn’t. And it’s still fun…

…to a point. But along with introducing the casual gamer to games, Nintendo strives to equal the playing field. Their games are designed so that pros AND new players are on the exact same level most of the time. Where anyone can win at anytime. Think of the new Smash Ball in Brawl: it gives everyone a chance to win. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as it keeps the game interesting and keeps that one asshole from hogging the controller when you’re playing “winner stays in” (unless that asshole is me). But how does Nintendo level the playing field in this game? By making sure you are hit with some kind of projectile every waking second of your existence. It’s not even a racing game anymore. It’s a fucking third-person shooter. If you’ve made forward momentum for five consecutive seconds, consider yourself a master.

Kart kombat has always been one of the things that has made Mario Kart fun, and part of the strategy of the game. If you don’t like lobbing shells, go play something boring like Gran Turismo (…but it looks so real! Then watch an actual race!). In the olden days, besides walking uphill to school in the snow, you had shells, banana peels, and lightning to worry about. And it was fun! Flash forward to Wii, and you’re dodging red shells, green shells, those fucking BLUE SHELLS!, bullets, stars, bombs, fireballs, octopuses, rain clouds, goombas, Mormons, people on the Drag handing out flyers on transcendental meditation, and so on. You plummet from 1st to 12th place in a matter of nanoseconds before plunging into fire and getting up only to be knocked on your ass by another fucking BLUE SHELL! The combat has gotten out of control. And like I said, while it helps level the playing field, I don’t know if it necessarily makes for a more fun game.

The big innovation of this game, and the console itself of course, is the motion controls. The game comes with a plastic wheel that you can plug your Wii-mote into and steer the kart that way. It’s like when you used to play the game and you would turn your controller and your body along with the turns, only now it’s doing something. I thought the use of the wheel was fun and added extra immersion to the game, but the controls were not exact enough. Maybe after playing with it for a while I’ll get better, but after a while I had to revert back to the Wavebird in order to really get good on the tracks. This reminded me again of Brawl (see a pattern?). The Wii and its games provide innovative controls that, in the end, don’t always feel natural and we have to turn to our old controllers in order to get the most fun out of the game. You can also play with the Wii classic controller, or you could just jump out of a window instead. I hate that thing.

So it might sound like I didn’t like this game. Far from it. It’s still Mario Kart. It’s still fun. I still love playing it with people. I still like the whimsy. I still giggle at every single noise Yoshi makes. It’s just, you know, I’ve done it before. But maybe that’s the charm. If they changed it up too much I’d probably complain about that. If I could implore Nintendo to do one thing before the next installment (’cause I know they’re reading), it would be to cut down on some of the weapons, especially the big boys, that make it less a game of skill than one of luck based on whoever has the fucking BLUE SHELL!!! at the moment.

On a final note, I just want to ask: why are the denizens of the Mario universe such angry drivers? I mean, they are just unnecessarily asshole-ish on the road. Reminds me of another set of drivers I know…

“No! Let me merge! I don’t want to exit! OH SWEET JESUS WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME OVER?!?”

In fact, I think I-35 would make an excellent Mario Kart track. You got potholes everywhere. You got Traffic (remember Toad’s Turnpike?). You got the jolliest bunch of asshole drivers this side of Bowser’s Castle 3. And what about the Upper/Lower Deck Split? It’s like one of those cool shortcuts. And you can also fly right off the highway on it! The Mushroom Kingdom ain’t got nothing on the ATX!