Sorry for another post about video games. For some reason, they have been consuming my thoughts lately. Maybe because I’m not entirely happy with everything and reflecting on my glorious childhood is the only thing that gets me through the day? Or maybe I really am just that big a dork. Whatever the reason. I’m warning you to stop reading now.
As a “grownup,” I’ve never really had all that big a problem with Sega games. Yes, I will always be a Nintendo boy (4 life!), but I’ve always been kinda respectful of the Big N’s big rival (and don’t give me that Sony or Microsoft shit). I’ve enjoyed their games. I effing LOVED the Dreamcast. I even count Shenmue as one of my favorite games.
This wasn’t always the case. The world is always split into dichotomies. As adults, it’s stuff like Democrats vs. Republicans, America vs. The World, Poor vs. Rich, etc. etc. You know, important stuff. And we prepared for these showdowns on the playground as kids. There were a lot of arguments at my school. Some of the biggest ones: G.I. Joe vs. Ninja Turtles (Ninja Turtles), Longhorns vs. Aggies (Longhorns), Kelly Kapowski vs. the girl on California Dreams (Zack Morris), Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat (this was a particularly vicious one at Old Town Elementary, but Street Fighter, doy!), Marvel vs. DC (Marvel back in the day, although I wasn’t that into comic books), etc. etc. You know, important stuff.
The biggest showdown was always Nintendo vs. Sega. Both companies were at the height of the console wars during my days on the playscape, and we carried this fight from our rooms to the monkey bars. I was, and will always be, a complete, biased, and unequivocal Nintendo apologist. The fucking Genesis didn’t have shit on the Super Nintendo, “blast processing” be damned.
I always thought it was weird that kids fell solely along one of these parties. It was like parents absolutely refused to buy their children another system (“why do you need another one, Timmy? Don’t you already have one of those Mario machines? Why would you want another one?”). So we were stuck with what our parents bought us and we defended it like we were defending The Alamo (as in, poorly but with lots of enthusiasm).
And weren’t those Sega kids weird? It was like their parents didn’t really love them. They knew they were on the losing side of this battle, but being the little brats that they were, they simply could not admit defeat and had to go on and on about how much better Golden Axe was than Zelda. Seriously. You have got to be shitting me. They just had this superior attitude about them, like they were better than us or something. And it was at its worst when they would pull those stupid Game Gears out. Even the most diehard Nintendo fan can admit that the Game Boy didn’t have the best graphics ever, but at least it had the games. And the friggin’ battery life. What good was full color graphics if A) the thing ran out of batteries every hour(ish), 2) it was so bulky it felt like holding a frozen fish, and 3) the games all kinda sucked?
Now, eventually I kinda caved and asked my parents for a Sega Genesis. I figured I could split the difference and at least be a fan of both and thereby cement my status as the coolest kid in school (which I wasn’t and never was). So mom calls one day and says she found a Sega at a garage sale and I’m like, “oh, you gotta get it!” She brings it home. It was a Sega Master System, not the Genesis. If you thought the Genesis was iffy, did you ever try to play a Master System game? Sheesh. God evidently did not want me to be a Sega fan, so I gave up. No need to tempt fate, right? Stupid Master System.
When the Dreamcast came out, years later, I was determined not to get one. I already had an N64 and a Playstation, and they were both great, and Sega was basically dead in the water, so why would I need one. Screw Sega, I hope they die and rot in hell! But then I saw Soul Caliber in action. It was like watching real life! Who could have thought graphics could look this good?!? And my dad saw one of the football games and swore he was watching a live NFL broadcast. And since I didn’t have anything better to ask for for Christmas, I got a Dreamcast.
And I loved it. Still love it to this day. And I became, for that year and a half, a Sega fan.
So recently, they release this huge Genesis game collection for the Xbox 360. I’m talking 40 something of the “best” Genesis games all in one collection. Sure, I could just emulate them. But that’s too much trouble. And I want the experience of playing some Sega games on a TV with an actual video game controller. And since I was all like, “Sega’s the shit!” I got it in an attempt to uncover an entire treasure trove of games from an era I missed.
My excitement quickly turned to horror when I found that most of these games, to put it as nicely and maturely as I possibly can, sucked ass balls. I don’t really know who ever thought this shit was better than the Big N, but they should be in therapy cause these aren’t necessarily video games. They are attempts at simply making a game. And the attempts, for the most part, seemed to have failed.
I think my big problem with Sega games is that they are typically ports of arcade games, since they were really big on the arcade scene and Nintendo really wasnt (apart from like Donkey Kong and the original Mario Bros.). And what works in an arcade, where games are specifically designed to steal all your money, doesn’t really work as well at home. If I pay a quarter (as it was back in the day, before the Great Recession), and get my ass handed to me, but have mildly distracting fun for five minutes, that’s one thing. But to plop in excess of $50 on one of these things only to have the gameplay remain largely unchanged? And be stuck with it cause my parents won’t buy me anything else? That’s not good.
And I really don’t know how to put it, but Sega games just feel clunky. When you tell Mario to move somewhere, he pretty much does it precisely. If you die in one of the 2D Mario games, chances are it was probably your fault. When you tell Sonic to move somewhere, he kinda chugs along at first before getting up to speed, gets stuck on a hill, and takes a freaking runway to stop. And it’s not just limited to Sonic. ALL the Sega games control like this. They just don’t respond well. Maybe they controlled better with an actual Genesis controller, but even old Nintendo games play alright today on analog sticks. Add to that graphics that are a little too big and a little too muddy and you got a bit of a problem.
Then, there’s the fact that a lot of their games are rip offs of Nintendo games that are simply not as good. Golden Axe Warrior, a Master System game, is pretty much a complete Zelda clone. The layout of the game is EXACTLY the same. The dungeons are EXACTLY the same. But it really has none of the charm, just slightly better graphics. Phantasy Star tries to do Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, and it’s actually not all that bad (especially IV), but it is so needlessly complicated. And simply not as fun. And could someone please tell me what I am supposed to do in Ecco? I can’t even get past the first screen.
Now, Sonic is kinda alright. Not as great as people remember it I’m sure, but kinda alright. But one of the big Sega classics, Altered Beast, is without a doubt one of the worst games I have ever played. And I’ve played some crap. Can someone tell me why Sega fans hold this game in such high regard, cause I’ve obviously spilled the proverbial Kool Aid all over myself on this one. The game controls just about as well as if you were playing with a turd, and the gameplay is so repetitive and boring that I can’t even will myself past the first level. No, not even to unlock an achievement point! And this was a game that came with the system, so it was pretty freaking high profile. If I had played this as a kid, I probably would have ended up a serial killer (albeit one that wears the skins of animals). Since I had Mario, I am a wonderful human being.
The Streets of Rage series is an exception. Ignoring the fact that it’s a rip off of Final Fight, the three games are a hell of a lot of fun and probably the only things really stopping me from snapping the disc in half. I think it’s because they control like Nintendo games, as in good. They move fast, they are fun to play, and the music stands on the same level as Nintendo music, maybe even better (don’t get me started on Genesis music in general).
So this is the best that Sega put out during the Genesis days? Seriously? This is what all the fuss is about? Can you even IMAGINE what a Nintendo disc like this would be like? Say Nintendo came out with a compilation of all their Super Nintendo first-party games, as Sega did here. Oh my Lord. Super Mario World, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Super Metroid, Donkey Kong Country (technically second-party, but it passes), F-Zero, Star Fox, and so on. Just those six games right there are better than any of the forty put forth by Sega. And I didn’t even mention the original Super Mario Kart or the Mario All-Stars collection. But now I did. So there.
Look, long story short. If you were as privileged as I to grow up a Nintendo kid, consider yourself truly blessed from above. You are probably smarter, better looking, your parents took an active interest in your well-being, and are probably just an all around better person than your Sega peers. After seeing all that I have typed on this subject, I am considering not posting it. I feel dorkier than I ever have in my entire life. Yes, even more so than any of the Star Wars conventions I have attended (but I’ve met Chewbacca and Carrie Fisher and you haven’t, so there). But I am clearly passionate about this subject. Thank you for letting me vent. And now, commercials from the early ’90s. Ah, to have been a marketing director at that time…
First, Sega:
(Blast Processing my ass)
And now, Nintendo:
(Was that not the most 90s commercial you have ever seen? I mean, they used the Butthole Surfers)












