Things I Want But Don’t Need: Zelda Edition
June 9, 2008
So every time I sit down to write a post, I usually begin with a well-intentioned idea. For the past week or so, it’s been, “I’m gonna write my review of Indiana Jones today!” Then something happens. I fire up Firefox, check my mail, and then wander aimlessly for the next few hours through the desert of the Internet, getting completely distracted by anything and everything. It’s like I have the attention span of a peanut (which I assume has a very low attention span).
Okay, so I was going to write that review today, and I was even thinking about knocking out a write up on Sex and the City as well, which I have more than a few things to say on. But then I came across a story about a wrestler who wears Legend of Zelda boots. Not some nerdy kid who wrestles in the backyard, but a wrestler on WWE who is actually shown on TV and might actually have a fan base and who plays through The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past once a year like I do! Here’s some pictures of him. But more importantly, look at his boots. His BOOTS, I told you:
That’s the Triforce symbol on them there boots, from the games. This led me to several conclusions. First, I really want those boots. There’s nothing particularly special about them, but they are blue. Second, I had to Wikipedia and Google research this wrestler, Cody Rhodes, cause I found him, um, intriguing to say the least. Thirdly, my fascination with the Zelda games, and the character Link in particular, is getting unhealthy for a person my age. Forthly, what other Zelda merchandise is out there that I don’t know about? Here are some of my favorite items from my exhaustive research. And by favorite, I mean I might actually seriously maybe kinda want some of this stuff:
Bedsheets. For sweet dreams.
An unnecessarily creepy throw pillow.
An unnecessarily creepy Halloween mask.
A thermos which I would totally take to work and if you don’t belive me then you don’t know me.
A freaking gold NES. That’s nice.
A cutting board. Sure, I don’t cut stuff. Sure, it’s completely useless. But…but…I want!
And a freaking Zelda sword! Oh, wait, I might have already accidently obtained this one…
Moral of the story: I had high hopes for this blog when I started out. I even discussed politics once upon a time! Now I’m reduced to posting pictures of wresters in blue underwear and Zelda boots. And as long as I’m sinking that low…the Zelda cartoon!:
I loved Super Mario Kart back in the day. Still do in fact. I really liked Mario Kart 64. I’m a little mixed on Double Dash, though. The game was still fun, but I don’t think the whole “two drivers” mechanic really added anything new to the system besides make it unnecessarily complicated (I know complicated is not the best word to describe Mario Kart).
The most exciting thing about the Wii, as it is with any new Nintendo system, is seeing how all of our old favorites are updated. Mario and Metroid both came out awesome, as did Legend of Zelda (even though they made Link right-handed which I had some issues with…how’s that for modern cool nerd?). On a system that has largely ignored the normal gamer in favor of the new, all-important “casual” gamer (by causal, they mean girls, three-year-olds, the elderly, and your mom), the old school Nintendo franchises have fared well for us old fans by still being, you know, games and not gimmicks.
But the Nintendo party games like Mario Kart and Smash Bros. are a different story. It’s not that they are bad games. In fact, they’re a hell of a lot of fun. Why? ‘Cause the one before it was fun, and the new one is the same game with slightly enhanced graphics. Super Smash Bros. Brawl is great and all but its pretty much the same game as Melee only with more shit thrown at you.
The exact same could be said about Mario Kart Wii. Played a Mario Kart game before? Great. You’ve played this one. Now, that’s not an entirely bad thing. Why mess up something that was just fine to begin with? And you’ve got online now. And motion controls. Those count for something, right?
First, the online. It’s awesome that you can race people half a world away or create ghosts on Time Trial tracks and then upload them for other people to challenge. But just like Brawl, the multiplayer in these games is the most fun when you are actually in the room with people, trash talking and throwing controllers and screaming and drinking and crying and what not. I tend to see online multiplayer modes in these games as a step backwards. It’s a great feature to have, just don’t skimp on the regular, four-controller mode, which Mario Kart Wii doesn’t. And it’s still fun…
…to a point. But along with introducing the casual gamer to games, Nintendo strives to equal the playing field. Their games are designed so that pros AND new players are on the exact same level most of the time. Where anyone can win at anytime. Think of the new Smash Ball in Brawl: it gives everyone a chance to win. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as it keeps the game interesting and keeps that one asshole from hogging the controller when you’re playing “winner stays in” (unless that asshole is me). But how does Nintendo level the playing field in this game? By making sure you are hit with some kind of projectile every waking second of your existence. It’s not even a racing game anymore. It’s a fucking third-person shooter. If you’ve made forward momentum for five consecutive seconds, consider yourself a master.
Kart kombat has always been one of the things that has made Mario Kart fun, and part of the strategy of the game. If you don’t like lobbing shells, go play something boring like Gran Turismo (…but it looks so real! Then watch an actual race!). In the olden days, besides walking uphill to school in the snow, you had shells, banana peels, and lightning to worry about. And it was fun! Flash forward to Wii, and you’re dodging red shells, green shells, those fucking BLUE SHELLS!, bullets, stars, bombs, fireballs, octopuses, rain clouds, goombas, Mormons, people on the Drag handing out flyers on transcendental meditation, and so on. You plummet from 1st to 12th place in a matter of nanoseconds before plunging into fire and getting up only to be knocked on your ass by another fucking BLUE SHELL! The combat has gotten out of control. And like I said, while it helps level the playing field, I don’t know if it necessarily makes for a more fun game.
The big innovation of this game, and the console itself of course, is the motion controls. The game comes with a plastic wheel that you can plug your Wii-mote into and steer the kart that way. It’s like when you used to play the game and you would turn your controller and your body along with the turns, only now it’s doing something. I thought the use of the wheel was fun and added extra immersion to the game, but the controls were not exact enough. Maybe after playing with it for a while I’ll get better, but after a while I had to revert back to the Wavebird in order to really get good on the tracks. This reminded me again of Brawl (see a pattern?). The Wii and its games provide innovative controls that, in the end, don’t always feel natural and we have to turn to our old controllers in order to get the most fun out of the game. You can also play with the Wii classic controller, or you could just jump out of a window instead. I hate that thing.
So it might sound like I didn’t like this game. Far from it. It’s still Mario Kart. It’s still fun. I still love playing it with people. I still like the whimsy. I still giggle at every single noise Yoshi makes. It’s just, you know, I’ve done it before. But maybe that’s the charm. If they changed it up too much I’d probably complain about that. If I could implore Nintendo to do one thing before the next installment (’cause I know they’re reading), it would be to cut down on some of the weapons, especially the big boys, that make it less a game of skill than one of luck based on whoever has the fucking BLUE SHELL!!! at the moment.
On a final note, I just want to ask: why are the denizens of the Mario universe such angry drivers? I mean, they are just unnecessarily asshole-ish on the road. Reminds me of another set of drivers I know…
“No! Let me merge! I don’t want to exit! OH SWEET JESUS WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME OVER?!?”
In fact, I think I-35 would make an excellent Mario Kart track. You got potholes everywhere. You got Traffic (remember Toad’s Turnpike?). You got the jolliest bunch of asshole drivers this side of Bowser’s Castle 3. And what about the Upper/Lower Deck Split? It’s like one of those cool shortcuts. And you can also fly right off the highway on it! The Mushroom Kingdom ain’t got nothing on the ATX!
