Catching Up Is Hard to Do

-Wait, wait, wait. I have a blog? Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me about this?

-Here at the old advertising agency, we’ve had a problem with solicitors coming up to sell us stuff. This has prompted outrage among the staff, who have decided they don’t like to be interrupted by people selling them stuff. The irony is more ironic than the amount of irony in Alanis Morisette’s song. And since that song was not at all ironic, this is pretty ironic… don’t you think?

-So in reading a review on the new Beatles box set today (cause apparently the Beatles albums have simply not been released enough times), a sobering fact was pointed out to me. I will share that fact, now, without a “Works Cited” page. When The Beatles’ last album, Abbey Road, was recorded in 1969, George was 26, Paul 27, John 28, and Ringo 29. I’m turning 26 in a month and I can’t even update my damn blog in a timely fashion. In addition, and this is where things get really mind-blowing, their debut album, Please Please Me, was released in 1963. So in the span of SIX YEARS, The Beatles went from unknowns to boy band to hippie drug freaks to artists to the most important band ever in the history of the world until Matchbox 20. So, 1963. Imagine a band that came out in 2003 and having that kind of impact today, in 2009.

-Summer movies? Well, Star Trek was the best. And I think I have a specific reason why. No, it’s not because Star Trek is cool, cause it’s really not. What I appreciated above all was the movie’s inability to take itself too seriously. I was afraid the filmmakers would try to darken up a story that doesn’t need to be dark. “Dark Knight” it, if you will. And while that works for Batman, ignoring the fact that he’s a billionaire that flies around like a fucking bat at night, it doesn’t work for Star Trek, especially old-school, Kirk and Spock Trek. So ignoring the stupid time travel story (I swear, between this and Lost, if I never see another time-travel related story again, I’ll be as happy as I would be if I never saw another time-travel story again), I loved the movie. It was funny and exciting and did not try to be what it wasn’t supposed to be. Also too, Chris Pine. Other summer movies:

Inglourious Basterds: More like Glorious Non-bastards. It totally wasn’t what I expected it to be, and it was better for it. I was expecting Kill Bill 1 and I got Kill Bill 2. And this works just fine. I’ve seen it twice and can’t wait to see it again.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: More like Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Movie. I swear, I don’t think I’ve seen more of a lack of plot progression since the third season of Lost. This is the first of these movies that my brain has flat-out rejected. It worked fine as a book. But as a movie? Bleh.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: More like TransfAHHHHHHH SHITS BLOWING UP PAY ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN YOU FUCKING PANSY OR WE’LL SHOOT YOUR FUCKING DOG! AM I SHAKING YOU TOO HARD? WHY YOU CRYING? If you ever wanted to know what it felt like to be in a plane crash, this is probably close. Not saying it was bad or anything. It was actually really fun. But the migraine, oh, the migraine.

District 9: More like District…um…good movie? This was a good movie. I had no idea what it was about going in. So it made it better. Also, props for a lot of these movies returning to 80s-style violence. 80s violence is cool.

I can’t remember any more.

-I traveled to two places this summer. The first was Lubbock, where I played beer pong and drank for about three days straight. I also think I picked up some sort of horrendous disease during my stay. The second trip was Jacksonville, Florida, to shoot a commercial with a real, live Olympic gold medalist! As I have referenced before, I love the Olympics, and the opportunity to prance (and prance is the correct word here) around with a gold medal around my neck was just the bees knees. Also, Florida smells like feet.

-So let’s talk about that horrendous disease, eh? Circa end of July of this summer, I got sick one night. Nothing major, felt like a sinus infection. I stayed home from work, I drank orange juice, I thought I had recovered.

But the sickness had other plans…

As did my liver, apparently. So one night after getting absolutely embarrassingly drunk the night before, I’m over at Billy and the Gretch’s, about to go party, and I feel weak again. I check my temperature, and it’s 99. Any normal person would say, at this point, “You know? Maybe I should sit this party out. You know, seeing as how I might have assassinated my liver last night.” Not P.A. Austin though (the P.A. stands for Party Animal!). But it’s a hat party, and I really want to wear this hat made for Gretchen’s schnauzer Emma, so I go and hope more alcohol makes things better.

Of course things don’t get better. When we arrive back from the party, I’m up to 101 and officially, on the record, sick. I stay over at B and Gs cause I literally cannot move. I don’t even want to eat, which if you know me, is immediate cause for concern. We throw on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m too sick to even cry when Splinter “dies.” Yadda yadda yadda by three or four in the morning my fever is up to 105. My fever is so high that I require freaking surveillance (thanks, Gretchen!).

I haven’t even explained the worst part of all this yet. Fever, pain, nausea, aches, I can take all that. But oh my Christ, the sore throat. I wanted to cry every time I swallowed (TWSS). Imagine, if you will, swallowing a samurai sword covered in other samurai swords covered in bee stingers dipped in poison and on fire. And there’s eight of these sword-bee contraptions going down your throat.

The sore throat and the ungodly temperature and the weird-ass dreams that I can’t remember scared me enough to go to an emergency care clinic the next day, since it was Sunday and my doc was unavailable. Two things about emergency care: 1) I felt safer there than I did at the St. David’s emergency room and, 2) don’t go to one. Your insurance probably doesn’t cover it. I have the bills to prove it. But they give me meds and by that night, my fever breaks, my appetite returns, and I am able to go to work the next morning. The throat still hurts, but it becomes more manageable each day.

So I think I’ve made a full recovery.

But the sickness, which I have named “D1FU1,” or colloquially “Douche Flu,” had other plans…

I’m at work, a week and a half after. Feeling great. I’m telling you, I had made a FULL recovery. I could even swallow again (TWSS)! But I’m sitting at my desk, watching J-Pop music videos, and I feel it. The ache. A slight scratching in the throat. Fuck. Douche Flu is back.

I go home after work and collapse. Fever gets up to 101. Samurai-bee-fire is back in my throat. I watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I’m too sick to even cry at the end when the cute little alien comes out and shares hand signals with the French guy. At the doctor the next day, I’m all like, “what the fuck?” Only I don’t say fuck cause he knows my parents and I want him to think that I think my parents will be mad at me if they think I think saying fuck is bad.

Here’s where the plot thickens. He says but one word to me: mono.

Mono? Am I thirteen and at summer camp? No, I’m 25 and on my way to becoming an old spinster. How the fuck did I get mono? I mean, I’ve got theories and all, but seriously. The mono screen he gives me turns out to be inconclusive, meaning I could have mono or it could still be Douche Flu. I swear, every medical test I ever take always turns up “inconclusive.” I always show the symptoms of something, but then that something doesn’t show up on the test, and I don’t get the good drugs.

Doc proceeds to tell me that it could also be a bacterial infection. But since the fucking strep screen came back negative to, I’m a medical-fucking-enigma, worthy of a guest spot on House. Doc decides to treat it as mono AND bacterial infection. So not only am I a whore, but I’m a dirty whore.

More antibiotics, more rest. And I make a full recovery. I am able to attend my grandpa’s 80th birthday party, the Redskin Ranch housewarming, and clean my entire filthy-ass apartment, top to bottom. Feeling great. Great great great. Things could not get greater.

But Douche Flu (mono and bacterial infection combo) had other plans…

Sunday a week later and I’m freaking out. My throat STILL HURTS. But this time, there is no fever or aches. Just a sore throat. And the sore throat is not severe, just a pain in the ass…er, throat. So I convince myself that it’s all over and I’m dying. I mean, this has to be throat cancer, right? And throughout the week, my throat continues to bother me even though I feel fine in every other possible way. Except emotionally, of course.

It takes another entire TWO WEEKS for the scratchiness in the throat to go away. And I can occasionally feel it back there, scratching, waiting like the douche that it is. Douche Flu can strike at any moment kids.

Finally, the moral of this story is I was sick for an entire month and I somehow gained a pound. Other people drop like twenty. I gain one. Mother. Fuck.

-Boy, it’s sure gonna be fun when we all get Swine Flu!

-After a few months off, you’d think I’d have more to say. But I don’t. This is assuming you don’t need my recap of the VMAs?

In Which I Talk About Star Trek and This Becomes the Dorkiest Blog Ever

In preparation for what is likely to be the best movie of the summer, I thought we’d discuss a little Star Trek. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

It seems to me that Star Trek is the most absolutely divisive form of geek pop culture entertainment ever, if that makes any sense at all. It is the definition of dorky. People are willing to give a pass to anything, and accept the quirks of most any random geeky thing. For example, no one really hates Star Wars (or am I just being optimistic?). Even if you don’t necessarily care for the goings on in our favorite galaxy far, far away, your mouth doesn’t fill with bile at the very mention of its name.

Not poor Star Trek. People HATE Star Trek. It’s not cool. It’s never been cool. It was the original, weirdo, outcast, fan convention-y, dork show by which all others are based and it has never escaped that stigma. For some reason, people find it absolutely impossible to accept that there is such a thing as a causal Star Trek fan. When I say, “Oh, that new Star Trek movie. That looks good. I think I’ll go see that,” people are like, “OMFG, are you some sort of weirdo looser dork? Are you lining up at midnight? Are you going to dress up? Do you speak Klingon? Have you gotten laid? Were they wearing Vulcan ears when you did it? Or was it just a Vulcan blow up doll? Why are you such a fucking dork, you dorky fuck?” This is what people say.

I consider myself… wait for it… a causal Star Trek fan. Such a thing exists. It is possible. Now, people know I am a dork and just assume that I am head over heels in love with Gene Roddenberry’s vision of life in the 23rd century. I admit that it would be an accurate assumption to make. But let me just make one thing ABSOLUTELY clear before we get any further into our discussion: Star Trek and Star Wars are two absolutely, completely distinct and separate things. While there is a ton of overlap, liking one does not mean you will like the other, and they are in fact two COMPLETELY different approaches to COMPLETELY different stories. I am a huge and unapologetic Star Wars enthusiast. I love the hell out of that stupid thing. If you want to make fun of me for something, make fun of me for that. I have a Yoda poster and a Han Solo painting both hanging in my apartment. I DO NOT have a Star Trek anything hanging anywhere in my apartment. So there.

…

No, I’m not done with that yet, I’ve decided. I mean, it’s like saying Nintendo and Sega are the same thing. I mean, Christ! I once read something a long time ago that said Star Wars was the ultimate Republican view of the future (even though it takes place a long time ago, bitches) and Star Trek was the Democratic view. I can kinda see that. Star Wars is about a huge bureaucracy that fails and requires a small revolution to overthrow and install a, theoretically, smaller government body. Star Trek is about a quasi-utopian federation that completely rules all the star systems. They don’t even have money! So there. Star Wars and Star Trek are as completely incompatible as Republicans and Democrats. I trust I’ve proven my point.

So, I consider myself a casual Star Trek fan. I’ve watched some of the TV episodes. I’ve seen all of the movies multiple times. I know the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan. But I have not seen every episode. Hell, I haven’t even seen complete episodes of Deep Space Nine and Enterprise. I have never read one of the books. I do not speak Klingon. I have never had a sexual fantasy involving any of the characters. I like to keep things casual.

I think the reason I’m not more of a Star Trek fan is that there is simply too much crap to keep up with. I mean, we are talking about six television series, hundreds of books and comics, ten (soon to be eleven) movies, and so on. I mean, who seriously has time to sort through all that? And a lot of it is not all that good. Star Trek is primarily a series of TV, um, series, and a lot of the episodes I’ve were pretty terrible. Not just from the original series but from the recent ones, like The Next Generation, as well.

My admiration of Star Trek comes primarily from the movies. Instead of watching 100+ hours of a TV show with bad special effects, all the good stuff about Star Trek is boiled down to just under two hours in a movie with slightly better effects. I actually like all the movies for different reasons, but the quality on those things are absolutely all over the place. Some are awesome and some are considered the worst movies ever made. The general rule of thumb is that the even numbered Treks are the ones worth watching, and anything with an odd number should  be thrown in the garbage. This rule actually holds up really well, except part VII (Generations), which is one of my personal favorites.

So just a quick go over of the movies since you care (and really, it’s my blog so I can do this). Part One, The Motion Picture, is pretty freaking boring. Wrath of Khan is pretty freaking good. The Search for Spock is alright. The Voyage Home is the one with the whales and really funny. The Final Frontier is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. The Undiscovered Country is my favorite. Generations is cool cause it has The Next Generation cast, finally. First Contact is fantastic. Insurrection is the worst of the worst. Nemesis ain’t much better. It’s a shame that the movies with The Next Generation cast aren’t better, since I like that show better than the original, as I think most people my age do since it was the series airing when we were growing up. I mean, come on, Worf and Data and Jordi LaForge/Reading Rainbow guy? And Captain Picard? They are cool.

So I think the new movie looks really fun. There’s already a big stink about it cause it changes a lot of the timeline and isn’t completely true to the original series. But, you see, that’s the point. One of the big reasons Star Trek fans are so shat upon is because they refuse to accept anything that isn’t absolutely true to the characters or stories. I mean, I was reading an interview with the guy who plays Sulu and he talked about how he had to punch the buttons on his computer on the bridge just right so fans would not have a moderate to serious stroke.

Don’t you think this is taking it too far? But then I think, “Hey, Austin? What if they did this to Star Wars? What if, twenty years down the line someone remade the first Star Wars movie and changed a whole bunch and stuff? What would you think then? Why do you even have this inner voice that asks the stupidest hypothetical questions?” I honestly wouldn’t care. I mean, George Lucas has already remade the movie like three times anyway, so who gives a shit, right?

Point is, it seems this movie is kinda really its own little thing, almost completely independent of the other Star Trek stuff. It’s made for people who haven’t seen a single episode and for people who have translated the Bible into Klingon. There’s a balance that has to be struck. In the end, I really don’t think it will matter to most people. There is one thing that both Star Trek fans and people who have never heard want out of it: a good movie. And I think it looks like such. And it doesn’t hurt that it’s made by J.J. Abrams, who wrote and directed some kick-ass episodes of Lost.

But a warning before I end. I remember writing a similar post like this before the Indiana Jones movie came out last summer. I told people to calm the fuck down an not worry that they were changing stuff. And then I saw The Crystal Skull. And it just… wasn’t… Indy. The stuff they changed wasn’t that bad. But they delivered a movie that kinda stripped away what made Indiana Jones Indiana Jones. I’m sorry, I love aliens to death, but there is a time and a place for them and an Indiana Jones movie is neither the time nor the place. And no movie should EVER feature Shia LaBeouf swinging from trees (badly CGIed, I might add). At least Star Trek won’t feature that, right? RIGHT?!? It also can’t be any worse that that Wolverine movie. Jeeze. Co-starring Ryan Reynolds MY ASS.

SXSW: A Local’s Perspective

I knew on Saturday, when it took me approximately eight hours to travel from 183 to 38th Street on I-35, that it was that special time of year again. The internet is sluggish, cell phone service has crashed, streets are blocked, the air is heavy with every type of smoke imaginable, and everyone looks like mannequins from Buffalo Exchange.

SXSW 2009 is here.

I bet you think you know where this is going but, for the record, I do not hate SXSW, nor do I begrudge the legions of hipster and techy douches descending on our city. I am fully aware of the amount of money this thing brings into the local economy, a fact even more important this year. I am also incredibly proud that so many people would spend their spring breaks going to this thing, making Austin an actual tourist destination. Seriously, people LOVE this city. And for a week it becomes their playground. And that is totally fine with me. I love it when people love Austin (in every way imaginable).

But I came to the conclusion last year that SXSW simply isn’t for people that already live here, unless you happen to be hardcore into the music, film, or interactive scene. I mean, think about it. A typical SXSW-goer spends their nights drinking unfathomable amounts of alcohol, wandering the streets in a drunken swagger, and listening to some shitty band that you’ve never heard of play in a venue that has the acoustics of a Styrofoam cup filled with a hobo’s change. I ask you, resident of Austin, how is this any different from any other weekend?

Ya see, as far as the whole live music and drinking thing is concerned, I’d say we are a little spoiled in Austin. So SXSW is just a typical Austin weekend, except it’s extended to a week and there’s a shit ton more yankees than usual. And the other thing to think about is this: it’s probably like this all the time in places like New York (and I’m basing this assumption ENTIRELY on the movie Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist. It was cute). They just get to do it in a different locale. And Austin, as big and as cool as we think we are (and we are pretty fucking awesome), does not really have the capacity to handle this type of thing and these types of crowds. I mean, supposedly EVERY FLIGHT into the city was booked solid yesterday. This is amazing.

Then, there’s actual access to the shows to consider. Now, I’ve never had an actual SXSW pass or wristband. Last year, I did borrow a wristband for a day just to see what all of the fuss was about, but I came to the same conclusion I did earlier in this piece: this is just a Saturday night, there’s just MORE of it. And it’s not like I could have gotten into one of the BIG shows with my wristband. Oh no, you need a pass and credentials for that. So if SXSW is not for locals, it certainly isn’t catered to the average fan. Like most things, it’s just a big trade show or convention where people in a similar industry get together and enjoy (or in the case of hipster douches, not enjoy) the thing they love. There is so much press coverage on the thing cause there is SO MUCH PRESS here. I mean, what else are they going to talk about? What else am I going to talk about?

Now, these are certainly not ground breaking conclusions. But I think it’s important to keep these kind of things in perspective. And for all the Salvation Army Thrift Store rejects (also the name of a band playing at The Parish, incidentally) running about, some of them are actually kinda hot. So, for the most part, I think I’ve finally made peace with SXSW.

However.

Were some of these fucking people raised in a fucking barn? I know that’s the stereotype for us goat-fucking Texans, but come on! I’m working downtown (across the street from The Paramount, the SXSW Mecca no less!), and I have to see and put up with these people all day long! It’s like they have no concept of laws and rules and society and traffic flow or smoking ordinances or any of that type of stuff! I don’t know what kind of magical land yall come from where there simply are no rules and no structure to society, but people actually LIVE in Austin. It’s not  Disneyland!

Take the worst offenders: street crossers. Apparently, in Hipster Douche Land, it is perfectly acceptable to cross the street whenever the fuck you please, regardless if traffic is barreling towards you and people have to ruin their break pads just to make sure they don’t run into you and spill your Parliaments all over the goddammed ground. I’m going to let you festival goers in on a secret: PEOPLE IN AUSTIN CANNOT DRIVE. We simply cannot master this skill. So you are probably going to get run over. Just use common fucking sense and cross where there is not a car right in front of you.

Lesson number two: ordering at a fast food restaurant. You order here the same way you do everywhere else. This is not a completely foreign country! I swear, you’d think some of these people had never seen the inside of a Wendy’s before. They’re all, “Oh…yeah…um…what’s this hamburger thing?” They don’t have a concept of a line (which they should, since they will be waiting outside so many clubs). And no concept of monetary exchange. When it comes time to pay, they’re like “Oh…yeah…ummm…I forgot about money.” And then they have to maneuver past eighty press badges hanging around their necks to get to their wallets.

Back to traffic. It is perfectly UNACCEPTABLE to stand in the middle of the street and take pictures. Yes, the capitol building is gorgeous, and the largest one in the country for you trivia buffs. Yup, even larger than our nation’s capitol. But stopping traffic so you can take a snap of it with your iPhone is A) going to get you a crappy picture, and B) is going to get you run over by yours truly. Going back to something I said in a post almost a year ago, we live in a SOCIETY with RULES. And yes, even a place as fucking deranged as the ATX has them!

And just so you know, there are other BBQ places not called “Stubb’s.” And if you think their ribs suck it does not mean ALL ribs suck. In fact, their ribs do suck. Come on, you like indie bands! Why not try another restaurant as well? This also applies to Tex Mex/Chuy’s.

And all together now: it’s I-35, not THE 35. 183, not THE 183. Streets around here have enough names as it is. Don’t confuse us anymore than we already are.

So this weekend I will officially brave the SXSW and become one with the masses, only because Explosions in the Sky is playing a free show at Auditorium Shores.  Hopefully, the hipster douches will decide Explosions are not cool anymore and avoid the show. But whatever happens, it’s going to be a gorgeous weekend. And I’m glad everyone is here to see how nice the weather in Austin can actually be before summer (and ACL) sets in.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to navigate around a mass of people in front of the Paramount just to get to my car. These are the same people I will probably be running over in a few seconds. So it goes.

“The Dark Knight”: 2008′s Indie Darling!

Since it’s the biggest movie ever in the history of the world, everyone is required to have an opinion on The Dark Knight, even if they haven’t seen it. I’m not going to ruin anything here, but you probably should see the movie first just so you can form your own, unbiased opinion.

And your opinion will be that the movie was pretty damn good.

Batman is without a doubt the coolest superhero on the planet, and if you don’t agree with that then you are wrong. What makes him so compelling, to me at least, is the fact that his only super power is his ability to kick ass. He’s not an indestructible alien from another planet. He didn’t get bit by a radioactive whatever. He just has tons and tons of money to blow on awesome equipment, fancy cars, and tailor-made suits. He is also the most emotionally compelling character to come out of comics, at least the most compelling major character. Is his brand of vigilante justice the best corse of action? Is he any better than the villains he fights (notice how they call him THE Batman, just like THE Penguin or THE Joker?). The blurry line between villain and hero will be explored better in next year’s Watchmen (which you should take the time to read NOW) but as of right now, the Batman movies are the best we’ve got.

Now, despite my status as a hip, urban, ultra-cool nerd, I don’t actually read too many comic books, nor do I know just a shit ton about any of it. I know the highlights of most of the stories, but I would be lying to you if I told you I was an expert on the matter. Something about comic books never grabbed me quite as much as video games or movies as a kid. Even Batman, whom I love, I pretty much only know through the movies. And, let’s be honest, the Batman movie are a little hit and miss. The first one is alright. It used to be the best thing ever, but really doesn’t stand up to well to time. Jack Nicholson is still pretty cool though. Batman Returns is decent. Batman Forever is not as bad as everyone says it is. Batman and Robin is even worse than everyone says it is. And then there was Batman Begins, which made everything a) dark, b) realistic, and c) really, really good. As I kinda touched upon in one of those Indiana Jones posts once upon a time, we like our movies grim now, we like them dark, we like them serious. And thus we get The Dark Knight.

Remember when superhero movies like this one were for kids? When there were Happy Meals related to the movie and tons of licensed toys and sleeping bags and cereal and flame throwers and all that stuff? Yeah, I can’t really see that happening with this movie. This isn’t so much Batman Forever, or even Batman Begins as it is something like Heat or Silence of the Lambs (two different movies I understand, but when you see it, you’ll see). The action sequences are pretty much filler this time as you can’t wait to see the next verbal standoff between Batman and Harvey Dent, or Batman and The Joker.

And of course I have to talk about The Joker. Heath Ledger is good. Like, real good. His version of The Joker scares the shit out of you for several reasons. One, it’s Heath Ledger. And not just because he’s dead, which is kinda creepy. It’s because he’s always been a good guy in movies, or at least a likable guy. With Jack Nicholson, you knew that guy was batshit insane and so you really couldn’t take it seriously. Heath never played a character like this before, and he does a very good job with it. Also, they never pin down exactly why he’s crazy. He doesn’t fall into a vat of chemicals. He doesn’t watch his loved one get shot down or something. He’s just…crazy for the hell of it as far as I can tell, which makes him that much creepier. He’s complete chaos. And finally, he’s funny as all hell. And you don’t want to laugh cause he’s doing horrible stuff. The hospital part? Or even the pencil part? Yeah, I laughed. I guess I’m a horrible person.

As I touched on earlier, this movie isn’t so much a superhero action-adventure as it is a crime drama. Hell, Batman is pretty much a supporting character most of the time. And I think this works to the movie’s advantage. I mean, what special effects and stuff are there that we haven’t seen yet? Let’s put all that in the back seat and focus on the story and the characters for a change. But what action scenes there are, they’re pretty fun. Like I said, I don’t want to really ruin anything, but there are a lot of chases. And knife using. And such.

It’s definitely not the best movie ever as some people might make it out to be, but it was certainly the best comic book movie I’ve ever seen and infinitely better then all of the other Batman movies. Yes, even Batman Begins. It goes places I didn’t expect it to go and actually manages to make every character a compelling person. I genuinely cared what happened to all these people and I was on the edge of my seat for most of the run time. It’s not like I have to convince you. You’re going to go see it. Just know that it’s a movie all to itself, unlike any of its kind. And that sets it apart and makes it better. And it’s a damn shame that Heath won’t be back to play The Joker.

And is anyone excited about The X-Files: I Want to Believe (In a Better Movie Title) on Friday? Anyone? Someone? No? It’s okay. I’m sure I won’t be the only looser in the audience seeing it by myself. Maybe I’ll make some new friends!

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the ALIENS?!? WTF?!? OMFG!!

So I finally got to see Indy 4 (I’m not typing out the full title) several days ago after a week of avoiding phone calls and deleting e-mails cause it seemed like everyone and their dog were trying to ruin this one for me. Like I said, I wanted to go in knowing as little as possible so I could enjoy it with tempered expectations. I think everyone that wants to see it has probably seen it, so I’m gonna’ talk about everything.

I’ll say right off the bat that I liked it. There’s really not a whole lot of ways you can screw this up too much since both Harrison Ford and Steven Spielberg are back and Indy is one of the few movie characters who can just stand on screen and make the movie instantly compelling. He can read crap from a book (as he does in all the movies) and I’m fascinated. And even if Harrison Ford is just a little bit older now, he still kicks ass. He’s been in some crap lately but he was totally Indiana Jones again in every scene of the movie, even if he growls like Solid Snake now when he talks. And I liked all the other actors too. Yes, even Shia LaBeouf, whom people seem to really hate for no particular reason. But I think he does really well in his standard role of “Sidekick to Really Big Things” (like Indiana Jones, Optimus Prime, or Ren Stevens). I also like the setting of the movie. I thought taking it out of WWII and removing the Nazis was going to be rough, but the Cold War and the Commies can be just as fun. I just wish there were more Russians in it.

And the action sequences, like any Spielberg movie, are really fun and exciting. I particularly liked the motorcycle chase around the college because it reminded me of chase scenes from the other movies (like, um, the motorcycle chase in Last Crusade) in that it had humor on top of all the collisions and explosions. And the flesh-eating ants reminded me of the bugs in Temple of Doom: they were gross and they were fun.

Even after insisting that I wasn’t going to let anything about the movie bother me, I did have some issues with the movie. First, a few things on a technical level. The CG was really rough and stood out in several places, particularly the car chase through the jungle. I mean, this is ILM, Spielberg, and Lucas. You’d figure the CG would be the highest quality. And while there are some pretty awesome effects (such as the alien ship taking off at the end and destroying the temple), too often everything looked…fake. I don’t mind CG. I like it. But when there’s bad green screen matting ON TOP OF Shia swinging through the trees like Tarzan, you have problems. Also, the cinematography bothered me, and this is pure film geek stuff here. The movie simply did not look like the old ones. It looked like War of the Worlds. The Indy movies strive to emulate a style of movie making from the 30s and 40s and this one looks too slick. I have never been a huge fan of Spielberg’s current cinematographer, Janusz Kaminski. Everything always looks overexposed and grainy to me. And the shine, oh my God, the shine! Everything has some unnecessary halo of light around it. This works okay in certain movies like Minority Report where a slickness and a gleam add to the story and setting. But here it just got in the way. If you’ve seen a recent Spielberg movie, you probably know what I’m talking about.

But my biggest problem with the movie was the overall story. Now, I like aliens. I like them a lot. I wish more movies had them. But they really kinda don’t sorta belong in an Indy movie. When the others centered around religion and then all of a sudden aliens pop up, it just doesn’t feel right. But the aliens could have been handled right if the story was in any way compelling, and it really wasn’t. Remember how in Raiders you couldn’t wait for them to open the Ark of the Covenant cause you just HAD to see what was inside? At the end of this one, I really could have cared less what happened to anyone or if the quest even got completed. It was just uninteresting. And on top of that, the story was completely all over the place. I constantly forgot who was chasing who and why even though they tried to recap the plot every chance they could. All I could think was, “19 years and this was the best ‘story’ you could come up with? Aren’t the people who wrote the other ones, like, not dead?”

I did still like it. There’s no way this one is going to compete with the other ones since I’ve been watching those for twenty years. I think another viewing will help a lot. And who knows what we’ll think a few more years down the line. People are just now starting to appreciate Temple of Doom. Maybe I just need to remove myself from it and then think about it.

I was going to also write on Sex and the City, but I’m tired.

Yeah, I Named My Dog ‘Indiana.’ I’m a Real Fan!

I’m going to forgo talking about my arm for now because I am officially sick of it. Just to catch you up, the surgery went fine as far as I know. They pumped me so full of drugs that I had no idea what was going on for most of the weekend. Then yesterday all those drugs left me at once. Talk about a hangover! My headache was so bad I couldn’t even move my head. As always, there’s lots of funny (to me) stuff to talk about, but I’ll talk about it later ’cause, like I said, I’m just tired of talking about it right now.

I want to do an actual post today. During my illness this weekend, I watched some of my favorite movies: The Goonies and the Indiana Jones trilogy. The Goonies is still the best thing ever except now I can’t watch it without getting sad because I want to be a kid again and I swear these drugs are turning me into a PMS-y woman, emotions running uncontrolled all over the place (see: Friday Night Lights). I can pretty much put the thing on mute and quote the thing exactly from beginning to end.

But I want to talk about Indiana Jones today because apparently there’s a new movie coming out this weekend. To say that I am excited about it is a bit of an understatement. Since it was announced, I’ve avoided spoilers, plot descriptions, everything except the trailers because I want to go in knowing nothing and have absolutely no expectations (good or bad). Luckily the new Star Wars movies taught us a thing or two about expectations.

But reviews are starting to come in and, surprise, they’re mixed. Apparently Harrison Ford is old (d’ya think?) and the movie is too goofy. Too goofy? The movie is too goofy? Not serious enough? Have you ever seen the old ones? Well, I have. I watched them again this weekend, as I said. To this day, I still have not come across three more exciting and fun movies. Everything about them — the plots, the jokes, the set pieces, the music, the actors — is A-plus, popcorn movies designed to be remembered for generations. Raiders is the best, technically, as it introduced archeology to the world (before this movie, archeology didn’t exsist). Lots of people rag on Temple of Doom and while it has its problems (coughdirectorswifecough) it’s still a hell of a lot of fun. And The Last Crusade is probably my favorite, just because Sean Connery is awesome.

And the movies are as corny and goofy as hell. The plots have a million holes. The acting is over the top. The action sequences make no sense. The jokes are pretty dumb. I mean, they’re based on ’30s movie serials, not the freaking Bible. And they are all the better because of it.

Now the new movie comes out and its too silly. And this, of course, is part of a larger problem. People expect too much out of these sorts of things, especially when they are based on old franchises. When the new Star Wars movies came out, people said they were too kiddy. Once again, did it not occur to you that the old ones were kid’s movies and pretty stupid themselves? We live in a world where geeks run the hype machine, where fanboys obsess over every detail relating to a movie. And we want everything dark and realistic and just like it was (even if it wasn’t dark in the first place. See: Star Wars). The movie can be no good unless the hero is a humorless twisted lost soul who has to take revenge on everyone and everything. We want our heroes brooding, we want them dark. No fun can enter the frame. This mentality even affected the new TMNT movie. A story about four turtles who morph into humans after coming into contact with radioactive ooze and are trained in the martial arts by their sensei/rat and eat pizza and skateboard for fun was apparently “too kiddie” and needed to be darkened up a bit. Are you serious?

What happened to having fun at the movies? Life sucks too much, at least make the movie not suck. And it’s okay to be serious but don’t loose your sense of fun too! I think Spider Man 2 is the best example in recent memory of a movie that balanced this pretty well. It was exciting and you cared about the characters and they had emotions and brooded and everything. But it still had a sense of humor about it. Part 3? Too goofy, the opposite of what I’m talking about.

So to bring it full circle, I can’t wait to see Indiana Jones this weekend. I’ll probably love it. Will it be as good as the old ones? No, because it hasn’t lived in my brain for twenty-something years. Just as long as it’s fun and not boring. I urge everyone who sees it to keep their expectations in check and don’t forget to have fun instead of counting all the ways Spielberg and Lucas screwed up. To borrow a quote from another movie I can’t wait to see, “Why so serious?”

Also, a quick note here. Why aren’t there any new movie franchises not based on something. Indiana Jones was original when it came out. How come everything has got to be based on a book or a remake or something? I mean, I know the answer is money. But Spielberg and Lucas have enough? How about something original, guys?

How I felt yesterday…