Catching Up Is Hard to Do

-Wait, wait, wait. I have a blog? Why the hell didn’t anyone tell me about this?

-Here at the old advertising agency, we’ve had a problem with solicitors coming up to sell us stuff. This has prompted outrage among the staff, who have decided they don’t like to be interrupted by people selling them stuff. The irony is more ironic than the amount of irony in Alanis Morisette’s song. And since that song was not at all ironic, this is pretty ironic… don’t you think?

-So in reading a review on the new Beatles box set today (cause apparently the Beatles albums have simply not been released enough times), a sobering fact was pointed out to me. I will share that fact, now, without a “Works Cited” page. When The Beatles’ last album, Abbey Road, was recorded in 1969, George was 26, Paul 27, John 28, and Ringo 29. I’m turning 26 in a month and I can’t even update my damn blog in a timely fashion. In addition, and this is where things get really mind-blowing, their debut album, Please Please Me, was released in 1963. So in the span of SIX YEARS, The Beatles went from unknowns to boy band to hippie drug freaks to artists to the most important band ever in the history of the world until Matchbox 20. So, 1963. Imagine a band that came out in 2003 and having that kind of impact today, in 2009.

-Summer movies? Well, Star Trek was the best. And I think I have a specific reason why. No, it’s not because Star Trek is cool, cause it’s really not. What I appreciated above all was the movie’s inability to take itself too seriously. I was afraid the filmmakers would try to darken up a story that doesn’t need to be dark. “Dark Knight” it, if you will. And while that works for Batman, ignoring the fact that he’s a billionaire that flies around like a fucking bat at night, it doesn’t work for Star Trek, especially old-school, Kirk and Spock Trek. So ignoring the stupid time travel story (I swear, between this and Lost, if I never see another time-travel related story again, I’ll be as happy as I would be if I never saw another time-travel story again), I loved the movie. It was funny and exciting and did not try to be what it wasn’t supposed to be. Also too, Chris Pine. Other summer movies:

Inglourious Basterds: More like Glorious Non-bastards. It totally wasn’t what I expected it to be, and it was better for it. I was expecting Kill Bill 1 and I got Kill Bill 2. And this works just fine. I’ve seen it twice and can’t wait to see it again.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince: More like Harry Potter and the Half-Assed Movie. I swear, I don’t think I’ve seen more of a lack of plot progression since the third season of Lost. This is the first of these movies that my brain has flat-out rejected. It worked fine as a book. But as a movie? Bleh.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen: More like TransfAHHHHHHH SHITS BLOWING UP PAY ATTENTION TO THE SCREEN YOU FUCKING PANSY OR WE’LL SHOOT YOUR FUCKING DOG! AM I SHAKING YOU TOO HARD? WHY YOU CRYING? If you ever wanted to know what it felt like to be in a plane crash, this is probably close. Not saying it was bad or anything. It was actually really fun. But the migraine, oh, the migraine.

District 9: More like District…um…good movie? This was a good movie. I had no idea what it was about going in. So it made it better. Also, props for a lot of these movies returning to 80s-style violence. 80s violence is cool.

I can’t remember any more.

-I traveled to two places this summer. The first was Lubbock, where I played beer pong and drank for about three days straight. I also think I picked up some sort of horrendous disease during my stay. The second trip was Jacksonville, Florida, to shoot a commercial with a real, live Olympic gold medalist! As I have referenced before, I love the Olympics, and the opportunity to prance (and prance is the correct word here) around with a gold medal around my neck was just the bees knees. Also, Florida smells like feet.

-So let’s talk about that horrendous disease, eh? Circa end of July of this summer, I got sick one night. Nothing major, felt like a sinus infection. I stayed home from work, I drank orange juice, I thought I had recovered.

But the sickness had other plans…

As did my liver, apparently. So one night after getting absolutely embarrassingly drunk the night before, I’m over at Billy and the Gretch’s, about to go party, and I feel weak again. I check my temperature, and it’s 99. Any normal person would say, at this point, “You know? Maybe I should sit this party out. You know, seeing as how I might have assassinated my liver last night.” Not P.A. Austin though (the P.A. stands for Party Animal!). But it’s a hat party, and I really want to wear this hat made for Gretchen’s schnauzer Emma, so I go and hope more alcohol makes things better.

Of course things don’t get better. When we arrive back from the party, I’m up to 101 and officially, on the record, sick. I stay over at B and Gs cause I literally cannot move. I don’t even want to eat, which if you know me, is immediate cause for concern. We throw on Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. I’m too sick to even cry when Splinter “dies.” Yadda yadda yadda by three or four in the morning my fever is up to 105. My fever is so high that I require freaking surveillance (thanks, Gretchen!).

I haven’t even explained the worst part of all this yet. Fever, pain, nausea, aches, I can take all that. But oh my Christ, the sore throat. I wanted to cry every time I swallowed (TWSS). Imagine, if you will, swallowing a samurai sword covered in other samurai swords covered in bee stingers dipped in poison and on fire. And there’s eight of these sword-bee contraptions going down your throat.

The sore throat and the ungodly temperature and the weird-ass dreams that I can’t remember scared me enough to go to an emergency care clinic the next day, since it was Sunday and my doc was unavailable. Two things about emergency care: 1) I felt safer there than I did at the St. David’s emergency room and, 2) don’t go to one. Your insurance probably doesn’t cover it. I have the bills to prove it. But they give me meds and by that night, my fever breaks, my appetite returns, and I am able to go to work the next morning. The throat still hurts, but it becomes more manageable each day.

So I think I’ve made a full recovery.

But the sickness, which I have named “D1FU1,” or colloquially “Douche Flu,” had other plans…

I’m at work, a week and a half after. Feeling great. I’m telling you, I had made a FULL recovery. I could even swallow again (TWSS)! But I’m sitting at my desk, watching J-Pop music videos, and I feel it. The ache. A slight scratching in the throat. Fuck. Douche Flu is back.

I go home after work and collapse. Fever gets up to 101. Samurai-bee-fire is back in my throat. I watch Close Encounters of the Third Kind. I’m too sick to even cry at the end when the cute little alien comes out and shares hand signals with the French guy. At the doctor the next day, I’m all like, “what the fuck?” Only I don’t say fuck cause he knows my parents and I want him to think that I think my parents will be mad at me if they think I think saying fuck is bad.

Here’s where the plot thickens. He says but one word to me: mono.

Mono? Am I thirteen and at summer camp? No, I’m 25 and on my way to becoming an old spinster. How the fuck did I get mono? I mean, I’ve got theories and all, but seriously. The mono screen he gives me turns out to be inconclusive, meaning I could have mono or it could still be Douche Flu. I swear, every medical test I ever take always turns up “inconclusive.” I always show the symptoms of something, but then that something doesn’t show up on the test, and I don’t get the good drugs.

Doc proceeds to tell me that it could also be a bacterial infection. But since the fucking strep screen came back negative to, I’m a medical-fucking-enigma, worthy of a guest spot on House. Doc decides to treat it as mono AND bacterial infection. So not only am I a whore, but I’m a dirty whore.

More antibiotics, more rest. And I make a full recovery. I am able to attend my grandpa’s 80th birthday party, the Redskin Ranch housewarming, and clean my entire filthy-ass apartment, top to bottom. Feeling great. Great great great. Things could not get greater.

But Douche Flu (mono and bacterial infection combo) had other plans…

Sunday a week later and I’m freaking out. My throat STILL HURTS. But this time, there is no fever or aches. Just a sore throat. And the sore throat is not severe, just a pain in the ass…er, throat. So I convince myself that it’s all over and I’m dying. I mean, this has to be throat cancer, right? And throughout the week, my throat continues to bother me even though I feel fine in every other possible way. Except emotionally, of course.

It takes another entire TWO WEEKS for the scratchiness in the throat to go away. And I can occasionally feel it back there, scratching, waiting like the douche that it is. Douche Flu can strike at any moment kids.

Finally, the moral of this story is I was sick for an entire month and I somehow gained a pound. Other people drop like twenty. I gain one. Mother. Fuck.

-Boy, it’s sure gonna be fun when we all get Swine Flu!

-After a few months off, you’d think I’d have more to say. But I don’t. This is assuming you don’t need my recap of the VMAs?

In Which I Talk About Star Trek and This Becomes the Dorkiest Blog Ever

In preparation for what is likely to be the best movie of the summer, I thought we’d discuss a little Star Trek. Doesn’t that sound like fun?

It seems to me that Star Trek is the most absolutely divisive form of geek pop culture entertainment ever, if that makes any sense at all. It is the definition of dorky. People are willing to give a pass to anything, and accept the quirks of most any random geeky thing. For example, no one really hates Star Wars (or am I just being optimistic?). Even if you don’t necessarily care for the goings on in our favorite galaxy far, far away, your mouth doesn’t fill with bile at the very mention of its name.

Not poor Star Trek. People HATE Star Trek. It’s not cool. It’s never been cool. It was the original, weirdo, outcast, fan convention-y, dork show by which all others are based and it has never escaped that stigma. For some reason, people find it absolutely impossible to accept that there is such a thing as a causal Star Trek fan. When I say, “Oh, that new Star Trek movie. That looks good. I think I’ll go see that,” people are like, “OMFG, are you some sort of weirdo looser dork? Are you lining up at midnight? Are you going to dress up? Do you speak Klingon? Have you gotten laid? Were they wearing Vulcan ears when you did it? Or was it just a Vulcan blow up doll? Why are you such a fucking dork, you dorky fuck?” This is what people say.

I consider myself… wait for it… a causal Star Trek fan. Such a thing exists. It is possible. Now, people know I am a dork and just assume that I am head over heels in love with Gene Roddenberry’s vision of life in the 23rd century. I admit that it would be an accurate assumption to make. But let me just make one thing ABSOLUTELY clear before we get any further into our discussion: Star Trek and Star Wars are two absolutely, completely distinct and separate things. While there is a ton of overlap, liking one does not mean you will like the other, and they are in fact two COMPLETELY different approaches to COMPLETELY different stories. I am a huge and unapologetic Star Wars enthusiast. I love the hell out of that stupid thing. If you want to make fun of me for something, make fun of me for that. I have a Yoda poster and a Han Solo painting both hanging in my apartment. I DO NOT have a Star Trek anything hanging anywhere in my apartment. So there.

…

No, I’m not done with that yet, I’ve decided. I mean, it’s like saying Nintendo and Sega are the same thing. I mean, Christ! I once read something a long time ago that said Star Wars was the ultimate Republican view of the future (even though it takes place a long time ago, bitches) and Star Trek was the Democratic view. I can kinda see that. Star Wars is about a huge bureaucracy that fails and requires a small revolution to overthrow and install a, theoretically, smaller government body. Star Trek is about a quasi-utopian federation that completely rules all the star systems. They don’t even have money! So there. Star Wars and Star Trek are as completely incompatible as Republicans and Democrats. I trust I’ve proven my point.

So, I consider myself a casual Star Trek fan. I’ve watched some of the TV episodes. I’ve seen all of the movies multiple times. I know the difference between a Vulcan and a Romulan. But I have not seen every episode. Hell, I haven’t even seen complete episodes of Deep Space Nine and Enterprise. I have never read one of the books. I do not speak Klingon. I have never had a sexual fantasy involving any of the characters. I like to keep things casual.

I think the reason I’m not more of a Star Trek fan is that there is simply too much crap to keep up with. I mean, we are talking about six television series, hundreds of books and comics, ten (soon to be eleven) movies, and so on. I mean, who seriously has time to sort through all that? And a lot of it is not all that good. Star Trek is primarily a series of TV, um, series, and a lot of the episodes I’ve were pretty terrible. Not just from the original series but from the recent ones, like The Next Generation, as well.

My admiration of Star Trek comes primarily from the movies. Instead of watching 100+ hours of a TV show with bad special effects, all the good stuff about Star Trek is boiled down to just under two hours in a movie with slightly better effects. I actually like all the movies for different reasons, but the quality on those things are absolutely all over the place. Some are awesome and some are considered the worst movies ever made. The general rule of thumb is that the even numbered Treks are the ones worth watching, and anything with an odd number should  be thrown in the garbage. This rule actually holds up really well, except part VII (Generations), which is one of my personal favorites.

So just a quick go over of the movies since you care (and really, it’s my blog so I can do this). Part One, The Motion Picture, is pretty freaking boring. Wrath of Khan is pretty freaking good. The Search for Spock is alright. The Voyage Home is the one with the whales and really funny. The Final Frontier is not as bad as everyone makes it out to be. The Undiscovered Country is my favorite. Generations is cool cause it has The Next Generation cast, finally. First Contact is fantastic. Insurrection is the worst of the worst. Nemesis ain’t much better. It’s a shame that the movies with The Next Generation cast aren’t better, since I like that show better than the original, as I think most people my age do since it was the series airing when we were growing up. I mean, come on, Worf and Data and Jordi LaForge/Reading Rainbow guy? And Captain Picard? They are cool.

So I think the new movie looks really fun. There’s already a big stink about it cause it changes a lot of the timeline and isn’t completely true to the original series. But, you see, that’s the point. One of the big reasons Star Trek fans are so shat upon is because they refuse to accept anything that isn’t absolutely true to the characters or stories. I mean, I was reading an interview with the guy who plays Sulu and he talked about how he had to punch the buttons on his computer on the bridge just right so fans would not have a moderate to serious stroke.

Don’t you think this is taking it too far? But then I think, “Hey, Austin? What if they did this to Star Wars? What if, twenty years down the line someone remade the first Star Wars movie and changed a whole bunch and stuff? What would you think then? Why do you even have this inner voice that asks the stupidest hypothetical questions?” I honestly wouldn’t care. I mean, George Lucas has already remade the movie like three times anyway, so who gives a shit, right?

Point is, it seems this movie is kinda really its own little thing, almost completely independent of the other Star Trek stuff. It’s made for people who haven’t seen a single episode and for people who have translated the Bible into Klingon. There’s a balance that has to be struck. In the end, I really don’t think it will matter to most people. There is one thing that both Star Trek fans and people who have never heard want out of it: a good movie. And I think it looks like such. And it doesn’t hurt that it’s made by J.J. Abrams, who wrote and directed some kick-ass episodes of Lost.

But a warning before I end. I remember writing a similar post like this before the Indiana Jones movie came out last summer. I told people to calm the fuck down an not worry that they were changing stuff. And then I saw The Crystal Skull. And it just… wasn’t… Indy. The stuff they changed wasn’t that bad. But they delivered a movie that kinda stripped away what made Indiana Jones Indiana Jones. I’m sorry, I love aliens to death, but there is a time and a place for them and an Indiana Jones movie is neither the time nor the place. And no movie should EVER feature Shia LaBeouf swinging from trees (badly CGIed, I might add). At least Star Trek won’t feature that, right? RIGHT?!? It also can’t be any worse that that Wolverine movie. Jeeze. Co-starring Ryan Reynolds MY ASS.

Sega Isn’t All That Great, In Retrospect. There. I Said It.

Sorry for another post about video games. For some reason, they have been consuming my thoughts lately. Maybe because I’m not entirely happy with everything and reflecting on my glorious childhood is the only thing that gets me through the day? Or maybe I really am just that big a dork. Whatever the reason. I’m warning you to stop reading now. 

As a “grownup,” I’ve never really had all that big a problem with Sega games. Yes, I will always be a Nintendo boy (4 life!), but I’ve always been kinda respectful of the Big N’s big rival (and don’t give me that Sony or Microsoft shit). I’ve enjoyed their games. I effing LOVED the Dreamcast. I even count Shenmue as one of my favorite games. 

This wasn’t always the case. The world is always split into dichotomies. As adults, it’s stuff like Democrats vs. Republicans, America vs. The World, Poor vs. Rich, etc. etc. You know, important stuff. And we prepared for these showdowns on the playground as kids. There were a lot of arguments at my school. Some of the biggest ones: G.I. Joe vs. Ninja Turtles (Ninja Turtles), Longhorns vs. Aggies (Longhorns), Kelly Kapowski vs. the girl on California Dreams (Zack Morris), Street Fighter vs. Mortal Kombat (this was a particularly vicious one at Old Town Elementary, but Street Fighter, doy!), Marvel vs. DC (Marvel back in the day, although I wasn’t that into comic books), etc. etc. You know, important stuff. 

The biggest showdown was always Nintendo vs. Sega. Both companies were at the height of the console wars during my days on the playscape, and we carried this fight from our rooms to the monkey bars. I was, and will always be, a complete, biased, and unequivocal Nintendo apologist. The fucking Genesis didn’t have shit on the Super Nintendo, “blast processing” be damned. 

I always thought it was weird that kids fell solely along one of these parties. It was like parents absolutely refused to buy their children another system (“why do you need another one, Timmy? Don’t you already have one of those Mario machines? Why would you want another one?”). So we were stuck with what our parents bought us and we defended it like we were defending The Alamo (as in, poorly but with lots of enthusiasm). 

And weren’t those Sega kids weird? It was like their parents didn’t really love them. They knew they were on the losing side of this battle, but being the little brats that they were, they simply could not admit defeat and had to go on and on about how much better Golden Axe was than Zelda. Seriously. You have got to be shitting me. They just had this superior attitude about them, like they were better than us or something. And it was at its worst when they would pull those stupid Game Gears out. Even the most diehard Nintendo fan can admit that the Game Boy didn’t have the best graphics ever, but at least it had the games. And the friggin’ battery life. What good was full color graphics if A) the thing ran out of batteries every hour(ish), 2) it was so bulky it felt like holding a frozen fish, and 3) the games all kinda sucked? 

Now, eventually I kinda caved and asked my parents for a Sega Genesis. I figured I could split the difference and at least be a fan of both and thereby cement my status as the coolest kid in school (which I wasn’t and never was). So mom calls one day and says she found a Sega at a garage sale and I’m like, “oh, you gotta get it!” She brings it home. It was a Sega Master System, not the Genesis. If you thought the Genesis was iffy, did you ever try to play a Master System game? Sheesh. God evidently did not want me to be a Sega fan, so I gave up. No need to tempt fate, right? Stupid Master System. 

When the Dreamcast came out, years later, I was determined not to get one. I already had an N64 and a Playstation, and they were both great, and Sega was basically dead in the water, so why would I need one. Screw Sega, I hope they die and rot in hell! But then I saw Soul Caliber in action. It was like watching real life! Who could have thought graphics could look this good?!? And my dad saw one of the football games and swore he was watching a live NFL broadcast. And since I didn’t have anything better to ask for for Christmas, I got a Dreamcast. 

And I loved it. Still love it to this day. And I became, for that year and a half, a Sega fan. 

So recently, they release this huge Genesis game collection for the Xbox 360. I’m talking 40 something of the “best” Genesis games all in one collection. Sure, I could just emulate them. But that’s too much trouble. And I want the experience of playing some Sega games on a TV with an actual video game controller. And since I was all like, “Sega’s the shit!” I got it in an attempt to uncover an entire treasure trove of games from an era I missed. 

My excitement quickly turned to horror when I found that most of these games, to put it as nicely and maturely as I possibly can, sucked ass balls. I don’t really know who ever thought this shit was better than the Big N, but they should be in therapy cause these aren’t necessarily video games. They are attempts at simply making a game. And the attempts, for the most part, seemed to have failed. 

I think my big problem with Sega games is that they are typically ports of arcade games, since they were really big on the arcade scene and Nintendo really wasnt (apart from like Donkey Kong and the original Mario Bros.). And what works in an arcade, where games are specifically designed to steal all your money, doesn’t really work as well at home. If I pay a quarter (as it was back in the day, before the Great Recession), and get my ass handed to me, but have mildly distracting fun for five minutes, that’s one thing. But to plop in excess of $50 on one of these things only to have the gameplay remain largely unchanged? And be stuck with it cause my parents won’t buy me anything else? That’s not good. 

And I really don’t know how to put it, but Sega games just feel clunky. When you tell Mario to move somewhere, he pretty much does it precisely. If you die in one of the 2D Mario games, chances are it was probably your fault. When you tell Sonic to move somewhere, he kinda chugs along at first before getting up to speed, gets stuck on a hill, and takes a freaking runway to stop. And it’s not just limited to Sonic. ALL the Sega games control like this. They just don’t respond well. Maybe they controlled better with an actual Genesis controller, but even old Nintendo games play alright today on analog sticks. Add to that graphics that are a little too big and a little too muddy and you got a bit of a problem. 

Then, there’s the fact that a lot of their games are rip offs of Nintendo games that are simply not as good. Golden Axe Warrior, a Master System game, is pretty much a complete Zelda clone. The layout of the game is EXACTLY the same. The dungeons are EXACTLY the same. But it really has none of the charm, just slightly better graphics. Phantasy Star tries to do Final Fantasy and Dragon Quest, and it’s actually not all that bad (especially IV), but it is so needlessly complicated. And simply not as fun. And could someone please tell me what I am supposed to do in Ecco? I can’t even get past the first screen. 

Now, Sonic is kinda alright. Not as great as people remember it I’m sure, but kinda alright. But one of the big Sega classics, Altered Beast, is without a doubt one of the worst games I have ever played. And I’ve played some crap. Can someone tell me why Sega fans hold this game in such high regard, cause I’ve obviously spilled the proverbial Kool Aid all over myself on this one. The game controls just about as well as if you were playing with a turd, and the gameplay is so repetitive and boring that I can’t even will myself past the first level. No, not even to unlock an achievement point! And this was a game that came with the system, so it was pretty freaking high profile. If I had played this as a kid, I probably would have ended up a serial killer (albeit one that wears the skins of animals). Since I had Mario, I am a wonderful human being. 

The Streets of Rage series is an exception. Ignoring the fact that it’s a rip off of Final Fight, the three games are a hell of a lot of fun and probably the only things really stopping me from snapping the disc in half. I think it’s because they control like Nintendo games, as in good. They move fast, they are fun to play, and the music stands on the same level as Nintendo music, maybe even better (don’t get me started on Genesis music in general). 

So this is the best that Sega put out during the Genesis days? Seriously? This is what all the fuss is about? Can you even IMAGINE what a Nintendo disc like this would be like? Say Nintendo came out with a compilation of all their Super Nintendo first-party games, as Sega did here. Oh my Lord. Super Mario World, The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, Super Metroid, Donkey Kong Country (technically second-party, but it passes), F-Zero, Star Fox, and so on. Just those six games right there are better than any of the forty put forth by Sega. And I didn’t even mention the original Super Mario Kart or the Mario All-Stars collection. But now I did. So there. 

Look, long story short. If you were as privileged as I to grow up a Nintendo kid, consider yourself truly blessed from above. You are probably smarter, better looking, your parents took an active interest in your well-being, and are probably just an all around better person than your Sega peers. After seeing all that I have typed on this subject, I am considering not posting it. I feel dorkier than I ever have in my entire life. Yes, even more so than any of the Star Wars conventions I have attended (but I’ve met Chewbacca and Carrie Fisher and you haven’t, so there). But I am clearly passionate about this subject. Thank you for letting me vent. And now, commercials from the early ’90s. Ah, to have been a marketing director at that time…

First, Sega: 

 

(Blast Processing my ass)

 

 

And now, Nintendo:

(Was that not the most 90s commercial you have ever seen? I mean, they used the Butthole Surfers)

My 11 Favorite Video Games of All Time (Because I Have ABSOLUTELY Nothing Better to Do and Nothing Is Going On At Work)

 

This is the time of year when people, such as bloggers, do end of year lists. They tell you their favorite movie of the year (The Dark Knight), their favorite music (Viva La Vida and “Single Ladies”), their favorite University of Texas quarterback (Oh My God, yall!), and all that stuff. Well, I don’t want to do that. I would like to take this opportunity to do something else.

Word on the street is, we’re in a recession. Every industry is doing pretty much terribly. Except video games, which are apparently recession proof. Taken to its logical conclusion, this means that in several years the only thing left to do will be to play video games (can I get a what, what?). So you had better brush up on your knowledge, right? Allow me to help!

Now, I don’t want to go crazy here and start making a lot of lists on this blog cause A) they’re stupid, B) it’s a cheap way to provide content and C) I think many people have the same favorite movies/books/marsupials/whatevers that the lists don’t create enough controversy. But I’ve been playing A LOT of video games lately, for whatever reason. And, since I have absolutely nothing else to post about, I’m going to tell you about my 11 favorite video games of all time. You’re still reading so you really can’t complain.

A few things about the list before I start. First, it’s not the world’s most groundbreaking list. There should not be too many surprises here for anyone who has more than a passing knowledge of the world’s most fascinating art medium (yeah, I said art! I’ll get to that later). Second, there are 11. Top 10 lists are boring. Third, I limited myself to one pick per franchise so the list would not be overrun with Mario games. HOWEVER, in the case of my top two, there is no way I can decide on which game in this certain franchise (can you guess which one?!?) I liked best. So I put both on here. And that’s another reason there are 11. Finally, I realized that there are no NES games on here. At first, I thought “WTF mate?” Without the franchise rule, several would have made it. But the closest NES game that would make the list without containing the words “Mario” or “Zelda” in the title is Contra, and I can’t even beat that without the Konami Code. So I didn’t include it.

And yes, I am this big a dork. The following list confirms it.

In Which I Unearth Writings From My Youth!

Can I just say first off how awesome it is that the ATX is finally getting some rain, and how nice it is to watch out the window?

I had this brilliant idea to post about all the pets I’ve ever had, because they were all beloved and they all have funny stories attached to them. One broke my nose, two became blind and hairless, and one we thought had a really large ass but it turned out she had cancer. So by funny stories, I mean bizarrely tragic. But when I sat down to write the post in TextEdit like I usually do, I noticed that it was beginning to get a bit long. And by long, I mean it was ten pages (double-spaced in Word, just cause I was curious). And I wasn’t even through the dogs yet. Ten pages! When you’ve had six dogs, three cats, three hamsters, and a chicken like I’ve had (told you I was from the sticks), I guess there’s no way it can be brief. So now I don’t know what to do with this post. I could make it into a recurring series, but I just don’t see people caring that much. I mean, I spent some time on it (it ain’t easy to write ten pages). So what do I do with it? I think I’m just going to complete it, all fifty pages or whatever, and save it for my eventual memoirs.

But since we’re on the subject of childhood (I guess), I thought I’d share a discovery I made when I was at home a few weeks ago. I was helping my mom clean out some boxes from our storage house (where all my childhood memories are eaten by rats) when I came across some spirals. And what were in these spirals, you might ask? Stories that I had written as a kid! Yes, I came across a treasure trove of vintage, first edition stories written by me in my formative years. I knew this was something I would have to share, if only to display how awesome I was as a kid.

The first thing I noticed about these stories was hardly any of them were finished. Yes, even at that young age, I was a tortured novelist, fraught and anguished by the toils of writer’s block, and couldn’t for the life of me finish anything. The same is true to this day. The second thing I noticed was, apart from some stilted dialog and on-the-nose narrative (I was in elementary school!), some of the ideas were not half bad. It embarrasses me, but I want to share the plot lines of a few of my favorites.

First up we have “The Craft”. Mind you, this was years before my brilliant title was stolen and used for a pretty bad teen witch movie, which in turn was made into a pretty bad (but it had its moments!) teen boy witch movie, The Covenant. But back to my “The Craft.” The story concerns a scientist who finally gets around to making one of those hovercrafts that we’ve all been bitching about. You see, World War III has just ended, and there’s world peace and all that nonsense, so scientific minds are able to sit down and invent shit like hovercrafts. So he’s a brilliant scientist, everyone loves him, until he goes mad. You see, he’s also invented some sort of cream that makes things invisible. Thats right! And he decides he wants to kill a bunch of people. So he makes his hovercraft invisible. How does he do this? Well, he’s also invented a container that does not become invisible when invisible cream is put inside it (you following yet?). He stacks tons of these barrels against the wall and, in a scene truly representative of my knack for dramatic flare, crashes the hovercraft into the barrels, causing invisible cream to cover him and the hovercraft. Now, he stalks the streets of New York City in his invisible craft! Don’t you see how scary that is? It’s a car that’s INVISIBLE and IT’S ABOUT TO RUN OVER YOU!

Well, eventually two cops catch wind of his little plan and have to stop him. It goes on for several pages, people die, cops are frustrated, and so on. BUT! The cream has a weakness. If it gets water on it, you can see the object again (so bite me, M. Night Shyamalan). The scientist crashes the car into a lake and, AHHH!, everyone can see him! So the cops chase him. The scientist ends up boarding a ship headed for the new Moon Colony. After a dramatic fight on the space ship, the scientist is taken down and put to trial. And the world continues on in bliss.

Now that’s a hell of a story, if I do say so myself. Sure, a little unbelievable at parts. And I’m pretty sure that plot line was used in a Batman: The Animated Series episode. But man, I had three-act structure down and everything. In fact, I’m a bit jealous of my younger self. The today me would never write a story so over the top stupid (okay, maybe one or two, What Goes Around Comes Around for those of you who remember THAT little project). And I think I was a better speller back then.

But my favorite, FAVORITE, story that I ran across was called “Cost.” Now, this was one of the ones I didn’t finish, and it’s a damn shame. Just listen to this plot: humanity has spread across the galaxy, colonizing and all that stuff. One of the planets they choose to inhabit is called Cost. Why is it called “Cost?” To remind them of the great “cost” it took to spread to the stars (yes, in the fourth grade, I thought about things like that). However, this planet has a little problem. There’s no water (which means nothing would live there in the first place, but I digress…) No water means there’s no oceans. No oceans means there’s no TECTONIC PLATES! With no tectonic plates, the geological pressure that builds under the surface can’t release itself! You know what? Here’s an excerpt from the story that should explain it better. It is presented entirely unedited, just as I wrote it whenever it was that I wrote it:

Dr. Mead ran his fingers through his hair as he listened to Dr. Pace lecture them about the problem.
“I can’t explain it,” Dr. Pace said frantically. “On Earth, we didn’t have to worry about a little pressure. We had volcanos [sic] and earthquakes. Here, on this planet, a little pressure could kill us all.”
Dr. Mead finally spoke. “If a little pressure was that dangerous, why did we move to this planet?”
“I don’t know,” said Dr. Pace.
The Mayor, who was also in the room, cleared his throat. “I can explain that. When the scientific pioneers landed heer [sic] they found only rock beneeth [sic] the earth.”
“So what could happen?” asked Dr. Mead.
“Well,” said Dr. Pace. “If it builds up more, this whole planet will explode.”

Did you get that? THE PLANET IS GOING TO EXPLODE! THERE’S NO TECTONIC PLATES. First off, why the fuck is The Mayor even there and how come he knows more than the scientists? And I think Dr. Mead got his name from the fact that I was writing in a Mead notebook. My creativity had limits, it would appear.

As I said, I didn’t finish this one. But there was a bit of a rough outline of where this epic was headed. Everyone, naturally, freaks the fuck out and they evacuate the planet just as it explodes! And they go someplace else. Cut to a few years later. One of the kids who escaped the disaster is cruising in his spaceship with his crew around the area where the planet was and, holy shit, it’s still there! Why? Didn’t it blow up? Well, they land and explore the surface. As it turns out, and I swear I am not making any of this up, the earth of Cost was highly magnetic and the planet had a strong magnetic field. When the planet blew up, the pieces eventually drifted back into place. Cause, you know, that’s what magnets do.

So while the crew is there the planet, naturally, decides to release its pressure and blow up again. Funny how that timing worked out. So they get out in time as the planet explodes again (that’s right, I wrote a story with TWO exploding planets!). And then the people decide to colonize Cost again cause apparently it’s the heroin of planets and they can’t realize the need to leave well enough alone. They just know that, every twenty years or so, they have to leave for a bit while the planet passes gas. The End.

Those were just two of the stories that I found. There were a few more, but these were by far my favorites. And you know what? I’m pretty damn proud of them. And I’m pretty damn proud of you if you made it this far. I mean, come on. That “Cost” story? Brilliant! I can SO see Michael Bay optioning that one from me. And “The Craft” would make a great Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie. You might have to change the title though. Anyone out there write when they were kids? Were you as brilliant (or stupid) as me?

I could talk about the Olympics, but I was going to save that until they were all over. Needless to say, I’ve been watching quite a bit of them. More than probably healthy. And we still have another friggin week to go! They’ve been fun, and I have a few things to say (not ten pages worth, sadly) but I’ll get to those later.

Things I Want But Don’t Need: Zelda Edition

So every time I sit down to write a post, I usually begin with a well-intentioned idea. For the past week or so, it’s been, “I’m gonna write my review of Indiana Jones today!” Then something happens. I fire up Firefox, check my mail, and then wander aimlessly for the next few hours through the desert of the Internet, getting completely distracted by anything and everything. It’s like I have the attention span of a peanut (which I assume has a very low attention span).

Okay, so I was going to write that review today, and I was even thinking about knocking out a write up on Sex and the City as well, which I have more than a few things to say on. But then I came across a story about a wrestler who wears Legend of Zelda boots. Not some nerdy kid who wrestles in the backyard, but a wrestler on WWE who is actually shown on TV and might actually have a fan base and who plays through The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past once a year like I do! Here’s some pictures of him. But more importantly, look at his boots. His BOOTS, I told you:

That’s the Triforce symbol on them there boots, from the games. This led me to several conclusions. First, I really want those boots. There’s nothing particularly special about them, but they are blue. Second, I had to Wikipedia and Google research this wrestler, Cody Rhodes, cause I found him, um, intriguing to say the least. Thirdly, my fascination with the Zelda games, and the character Link in particular, is getting unhealthy for a person my age. Forthly, what other Zelda merchandise is out there that I don’t know about? Here are some of my favorite items from my exhaustive research. And by favorite, I mean I might actually seriously maybe kinda want some of this stuff:

Bedsheets. For sweet dreams.

An unnecessarily creepy throw pillow.

An unnecessarily creepy Halloween mask.

A thermos which I would totally take to work and if you don’t belive me then you don’t know me.

A freaking gold NES. That’s nice.

A cutting board. Sure, I don’t cut stuff. Sure, it’s completely useless. But…but…I want!

And a freaking Zelda sword! Oh, wait, I might have already accidently obtained this one…

Moral of the story: I had high hopes for this blog when I started out. I even discussed politics once upon a time! Now I’m reduced to posting pictures of wresters in blue underwear and Zelda boots. And as long as I’m sinking that low…the Zelda cartoon!:

Diet Coke and I: “Do I see a future there? But I don’t care if he beats me! It’s love!”

I’ve concluded that I can give up just about any food for the sake of being healthy. Cereal and peanut butter, both not bad for you unless you consumed them like I did, are effectively banned from my life (except on rare, RARE occasions). And I LOVE cereal and peanut butter. I can’t fully give up caffeine but I have stopped drinking coffee all together (except, like above, in rare occasions). And I also, once upon a time, gave up my favorite drink in the world, Dr. Pepper. Now I can’t even finish an entire can. Is that shit just caramelized sugar? How does anyone drink it?

But there are two things that my mind refuses to give up: alcohol and Diet Coke. Alcohol is not really a problem. All things considered, I don’t drink it that much (stop laughing, I’m serious. When was the last time I needed to drink water?). But, whoo boy, that Diet Coke. I have a serious problem. I’m not going to say how much I drink a day, cause I don’t even know, but lets just say that my intake is somewhere between “hey, maybe you should slow down” and “why is your urine black?”

And I don’t even know how this happened. I used to hate Diet Coke more than anything in the world. I used to make fun of people who drank it, like my dad (he eventually switched to Diet Dr. Pepper, which I just can’t muster much enthusiasm for). When I gave up Dr. Pepper I guess I just needed to get my caffeine fix somehow. And slowly but surely my tolerance to Diet Coke soared. And here I am today. A broken (literally) man. I am a raging Coke Head. And I see no way out of the abyss.

People try to tell me how bad it is for you. How it destroys your brain and your teeth and your urinary tract. And I don’t really pay too much attention ’cause, the way I’ve always figured, everything is bad for you in some way. Like carrots: they’re good for your eyes but they’re linked to cancer. Or alcohol, which studies show can prevent certain types of cancer but also destroys the liver. Moral of the story: everything is probably okay in moderation. But I have an utter contempt for moderation.

So today I read an article finally linking drinking soda with bone problems. Apparently, the body steals calcium from the bones in order to break up the phosphoric acid found in all colas. To quote the article, “…the occasional cola drinker probably needn’t worry…The real risk is for those who drink cola every day.” Fuck. AND WHO HAS BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH THEIR BONES LATELY?!? I NEVER USED TO BREAK BONES! The sad thing is, after I read that, I went out a got a large Diet Coke! It’s just what I do. I can’t stop it. Basically, this is a cry for help. Is there an appropriate substitute? They tried to put minerals in it, like it’s a health drink or something, and it tasted terrible. I’ve tried mineral water, just to get that fizziness, but then there’s the issue of caffeine, which is undoubtedly the main source of my Diet Coke addiction. Plus, crazy as it sounds, I actually like the way it tastes. What should I do? I see no way I can cut this out of my daily life, or even curb it for that matter.

Mario Kart Wii: After Tackling I-35 on Friday Afternoon, Rainbow Road Ain’t No Thang!

I loved Super Mario Kart back in the day. Still do in fact. I really liked Mario Kart 64. I’m a little mixed on Double Dash, though. The game was still fun, but I don’t think the whole “two drivers” mechanic really added anything new to the system besides make it unnecessarily complicated (I know complicated is not the best word to describe Mario Kart).

The most exciting thing about the Wii, as it is with any new Nintendo system, is seeing how all of our old favorites are updated. Mario and Metroid both came out awesome, as did Legend of Zelda (even though they made Link right-handed which I had some issues with…how’s that for modern cool nerd?). On a system that has largely ignored the normal gamer in favor of the new, all-important “casual” gamer (by causal, they mean girls, three-year-olds, the elderly, and your mom), the old school Nintendo franchises have fared well for us old fans by still being, you know, games and not gimmicks.

But the Nintendo party games like Mario Kart and Smash Bros. are a different story. It’s not that they are bad games. In fact, they’re a hell of a lot of fun. Why? ‘Cause the one before it was fun, and the new one is the same game with slightly enhanced graphics. Super Smash Bros. Brawl is great and all but its pretty much the same game as Melee only with more shit thrown at you.

The exact same could be said about Mario Kart Wii. Played a Mario Kart game before? Great. You’ve played this one. Now, that’s not an entirely bad thing. Why mess up something that was just fine to begin with? And you’ve got online now. And motion controls. Those count for something, right?

First, the online. It’s awesome that you can race people half a world away or create ghosts on Time Trial tracks and then upload them for other people to challenge. But just like Brawl, the multiplayer in these games is the most fun when you are actually in the room with people, trash talking and throwing controllers and screaming and drinking and crying and what not. I tend to see online multiplayer modes in these games as a step backwards. It’s a great feature to have, just don’t skimp on the regular, four-controller mode, which Mario Kart Wii doesn’t. And it’s still fun…

…to a point. But along with introducing the casual gamer to games, Nintendo strives to equal the playing field. Their games are designed so that pros AND new players are on the exact same level most of the time. Where anyone can win at anytime. Think of the new Smash Ball in Brawl: it gives everyone a chance to win. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as it keeps the game interesting and keeps that one asshole from hogging the controller when you’re playing “winner stays in” (unless that asshole is me). But how does Nintendo level the playing field in this game? By making sure you are hit with some kind of projectile every waking second of your existence. It’s not even a racing game anymore. It’s a fucking third-person shooter. If you’ve made forward momentum for five consecutive seconds, consider yourself a master.

Kart kombat has always been one of the things that has made Mario Kart fun, and part of the strategy of the game. If you don’t like lobbing shells, go play something boring like Gran Turismo (…but it looks so real! Then watch an actual race!). In the olden days, besides walking uphill to school in the snow, you had shells, banana peels, and lightning to worry about. And it was fun! Flash forward to Wii, and you’re dodging red shells, green shells, those fucking BLUE SHELLS!, bullets, stars, bombs, fireballs, octopuses, rain clouds, goombas, Mormons, people on the Drag handing out flyers on transcendental meditation, and so on. You plummet from 1st to 12th place in a matter of nanoseconds before plunging into fire and getting up only to be knocked on your ass by another fucking BLUE SHELL! The combat has gotten out of control. And like I said, while it helps level the playing field, I don’t know if it necessarily makes for a more fun game.

The big innovation of this game, and the console itself of course, is the motion controls. The game comes with a plastic wheel that you can plug your Wii-mote into and steer the kart that way. It’s like when you used to play the game and you would turn your controller and your body along with the turns, only now it’s doing something. I thought the use of the wheel was fun and added extra immersion to the game, but the controls were not exact enough. Maybe after playing with it for a while I’ll get better, but after a while I had to revert back to the Wavebird in order to really get good on the tracks. This reminded me again of Brawl (see a pattern?). The Wii and its games provide innovative controls that, in the end, don’t always feel natural and we have to turn to our old controllers in order to get the most fun out of the game. You can also play with the Wii classic controller, or you could just jump out of a window instead. I hate that thing.

So it might sound like I didn’t like this game. Far from it. It’s still Mario Kart. It’s still fun. I still love playing it with people. I still like the whimsy. I still giggle at every single noise Yoshi makes. It’s just, you know, I’ve done it before. But maybe that’s the charm. If they changed it up too much I’d probably complain about that. If I could implore Nintendo to do one thing before the next installment (’cause I know they’re reading), it would be to cut down on some of the weapons, especially the big boys, that make it less a game of skill than one of luck based on whoever has the fucking BLUE SHELL!!! at the moment.

On a final note, I just want to ask: why are the denizens of the Mario universe such angry drivers? I mean, they are just unnecessarily asshole-ish on the road. Reminds me of another set of drivers I know…

“No! Let me merge! I don’t want to exit! OH SWEET JESUS WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME OVER?!?”

In fact, I think I-35 would make an excellent Mario Kart track. You got potholes everywhere. You got Traffic (remember Toad’s Turnpike?). You got the jolliest bunch of asshole drivers this side of Bowser’s Castle 3. And what about the Upper/Lower Deck Split? It’s like one of those cool shortcuts. And you can also fly right off the highway on it! The Mushroom Kingdom ain’t got nothing on the ATX!

Being Honest With Myself and You, the Reader

It’s my second day and I already have blog writer’s block. I feel that we don’t know each other well enough to get into any heady philosophical discussions and nothing of note really happened in the world at large or in my world today…yet. I’ll probably regret that last sentence if the world ends tonight.

So I thought I’d learn a little more about myself and share my findings with you.

I have always considered myself to be just a tad on the dorky side. I’ve never been too eaten up with any one thing, and I do enough cool things to offset my dorkiness (like binge drinking), but I know a little too much about, say, The Battle of Yavin to be a normal guy, and people have described my apartment as something a five-year old would dream of (I disagree, but I’m also delusional).

I know there are going to be plenty of dorky postings on this site, so I wanted to know just how dorky I actually was. Using a random test that I found on Google, I have been identified as a Modern, Cool Nerd. The numerical breakdown is as follows: 52% Nerd, 56% Geek, 17% Dork.

This made me happy, as did this description: “The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgeable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations!” I mean, it even congratulated me at the end. That means I won, right? And I’d always used the term “dorky” cause, I dont know, its more fun to spell, but a dork is someone who is socially awkward apparently and that is soooooo not me.

So Modern, Cool Nerd it is folks. As a reader to this site, you should now feel confident that you are getting the best information from the best and hippest source. And when I do talk about something “geeky,” thats okay cause geeks (I like that better than nerd) are in now and I’m one of the cool ones. (Thank God they didn’t ask me if I had a sword from The Legend of Zelda in my apartment or I would have been screwed [for the record, it was a gift]).

As a side note, out of curiosity, I took the test labeled Are You Gay? Unlike the whole nerdiness thing, I’m pretty sure I know where I stand on this one but I just wanted to see what the test would say and thereby judge how accurate the Nerd test had been. The first question was: “Do you enjoy sex with men?” Talk about a loaded question. I mean, do you even need anymore? I didn’t finish the test.