In Which I Unearth Writings From My Youth!

Can I just say first off how awesome it is that the ATX is finally getting some rain, and how nice it is to watch out the window?

I had this brilliant idea to post about all the pets I’ve ever had, because they were all beloved and they all have funny stories attached to them. One broke my nose, two became blind and hairless, and one we thought had a really large ass but it turned out she had cancer. So by funny stories, I mean bizarrely tragic. But when I sat down to write the post in TextEdit like I usually do, I noticed that it was beginning to get a bit long. And by long, I mean it was ten pages (double-spaced in Word, just cause I was curious). And I wasn’t even through the dogs yet. Ten pages! When you’ve had six dogs, three cats, three hamsters, and a chicken like I’ve had (told you I was from the sticks), I guess there’s no way it can be brief. So now I don’t know what to do with this post. I could make it into a recurring series, but I just don’t see people caring that much. I mean, I spent some time on it (it ain’t easy to write ten pages). So what do I do with it? I think I’m just going to complete it, all fifty pages or whatever, and save it for my eventual memoirs.

But since we’re on the subject of childhood (I guess), I thought I’d share a discovery I made when I was at home a few weeks ago. I was helping my mom clean out some boxes from our storage house (where all my childhood memories are eaten by rats) when I came across some spirals. And what were in these spirals, you might ask? Stories that I had written as a kid! Yes, I came across a treasure trove of vintage, first edition stories written by me in my formative years. I knew this was something I would have to share, if only to display how awesome I was as a kid.

The first thing I noticed about these stories was hardly any of them were finished. Yes, even at that young age, I was a tortured novelist, fraught and anguished by the toils of writer’s block, and couldn’t for the life of me finish anything. The same is true to this day. The second thing I noticed was, apart from some stilted dialog and on-the-nose narrative (I was in elementary school!), some of the ideas were not half bad. It embarrasses me, but I want to share the plot lines of a few of my favorites.

First up we have “The Craft”. Mind you, this was years before my brilliant title was stolen and used for a pretty bad teen witch movie, which in turn was made into a pretty bad (but it had its moments!) teen boy witch movie, The Covenant. But back to my “The Craft.” The story concerns a scientist who finally gets around to making one of those hovercrafts that we’ve all been bitching about. You see, World War III has just ended, and there’s world peace and all that nonsense, so scientific minds are able to sit down and invent shit like hovercrafts. So he’s a brilliant scientist, everyone loves him, until he goes mad. You see, he’s also invented some sort of cream that makes things invisible. Thats right! And he decides he wants to kill a bunch of people. So he makes his hovercraft invisible. How does he do this? Well, he’s also invented a container that does not become invisible when invisible cream is put inside it (you following yet?). He stacks tons of these barrels against the wall and, in a scene truly representative of my knack for dramatic flare, crashes the hovercraft into the barrels, causing invisible cream to cover him and the hovercraft. Now, he stalks the streets of New York City in his invisible craft! Don’t you see how scary that is? It’s a car that’s INVISIBLE and IT’S ABOUT TO RUN OVER YOU!

Well, eventually two cops catch wind of his little plan and have to stop him. It goes on for several pages, people die, cops are frustrated, and so on. BUT! The cream has a weakness. If it gets water on it, you can see the object again (so bite me, M. Night Shyamalan). The scientist crashes the car into a lake and, AHHH!, everyone can see him! So the cops chase him. The scientist ends up boarding a ship headed for the new Moon Colony. After a dramatic fight on the space ship, the scientist is taken down and put to trial. And the world continues on in bliss.

Now that’s a hell of a story, if I do say so myself. Sure, a little unbelievable at parts. And I’m pretty sure that plot line was used in a Batman: The Animated Series episode. But man, I had three-act structure down and everything. In fact, I’m a bit jealous of my younger self. The today me would never write a story so over the top stupid (okay, maybe one or two, What Goes Around Comes Around for those of you who remember THAT little project). And I think I was a better speller back then.

But my favorite, FAVORITE, story that I ran across was called “Cost.” Now, this was one of the ones I didn’t finish, and it’s a damn shame. Just listen to this plot: humanity has spread across the galaxy, colonizing and all that stuff. One of the planets they choose to inhabit is called Cost. Why is it called “Cost?” To remind them of the great “cost” it took to spread to the stars (yes, in the fourth grade, I thought about things like that). However, this planet has a little problem. There’s no water (which means nothing would live there in the first place, but I digress…) No water means there’s no oceans. No oceans means there’s no TECTONIC PLATES! With no tectonic plates, the geological pressure that builds under the surface can’t release itself! You know what? Here’s an excerpt from the story that should explain it better. It is presented entirely unedited, just as I wrote it whenever it was that I wrote it:

Dr. Mead ran his fingers through his hair as he listened to Dr. Pace lecture them about the problem.
“I can’t explain it,” Dr. Pace said frantically. “On Earth, we didn’t have to worry about a little pressure. We had volcanos [sic] and earthquakes. Here, on this planet, a little pressure could kill us all.”
Dr. Mead finally spoke. “If a little pressure was that dangerous, why did we move to this planet?”
“I don’t know,” said Dr. Pace.
The Mayor, who was also in the room, cleared his throat. “I can explain that. When the scientific pioneers landed heer [sic] they found only rock beneeth [sic] the earth.”
“So what could happen?” asked Dr. Mead.
“Well,” said Dr. Pace. “If it builds up more, this whole planet will explode.”

Did you get that? THE PLANET IS GOING TO EXPLODE! THERE’S NO TECTONIC PLATES. First off, why the fuck is The Mayor even there and how come he knows more than the scientists? And I think Dr. Mead got his name from the fact that I was writing in a Mead notebook. My creativity had limits, it would appear.

As I said, I didn’t finish this one. But there was a bit of a rough outline of where this epic was headed. Everyone, naturally, freaks the fuck out and they evacuate the planet just as it explodes! And they go someplace else. Cut to a few years later. One of the kids who escaped the disaster is cruising in his spaceship with his crew around the area where the planet was and, holy shit, it’s still there! Why? Didn’t it blow up? Well, they land and explore the surface. As it turns out, and I swear I am not making any of this up, the earth of Cost was highly magnetic and the planet had a strong magnetic field. When the planet blew up, the pieces eventually drifted back into place. Cause, you know, that’s what magnets do.

So while the crew is there the planet, naturally, decides to release its pressure and blow up again. Funny how that timing worked out. So they get out in time as the planet explodes again (that’s right, I wrote a story with TWO exploding planets!). And then the people decide to colonize Cost again cause apparently it’s the heroin of planets and they can’t realize the need to leave well enough alone. They just know that, every twenty years or so, they have to leave for a bit while the planet passes gas. The End.

Those were just two of the stories that I found. There were a few more, but these were by far my favorites. And you know what? I’m pretty damn proud of them. And I’m pretty damn proud of you if you made it this far. I mean, come on. That “Cost” story? Brilliant! I can SO see Michael Bay optioning that one from me. And “The Craft” would make a great Sci-Fi Channel Original Movie. You might have to change the title though. Anyone out there write when they were kids? Were you as brilliant (or stupid) as me?

I could talk about the Olympics, but I was going to save that until they were all over. Needless to say, I’ve been watching quite a bit of them. More than probably healthy. And we still have another friggin week to go! They’ve been fun, and I have a few things to say (not ten pages worth, sadly) but I’ll get to those later.

Things I Want But Don’t Need: Zelda Edition

So every time I sit down to write a post, I usually begin with a well-intentioned idea. For the past week or so, it’s been, “I’m gonna write my review of Indiana Jones today!” Then something happens. I fire up Firefox, check my mail, and then wander aimlessly for the next few hours through the desert of the Internet, getting completely distracted by anything and everything. It’s like I have the attention span of a peanut (which I assume has a very low attention span).

Okay, so I was going to write that review today, and I was even thinking about knocking out a write up on Sex and the City as well, which I have more than a few things to say on. But then I came across a story about a wrestler who wears Legend of Zelda boots. Not some nerdy kid who wrestles in the backyard, but a wrestler on WWE who is actually shown on TV and might actually have a fan base and who plays through The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past once a year like I do! Here’s some pictures of him. But more importantly, look at his boots. His BOOTS, I told you:

That’s the Triforce symbol on them there boots, from the games. This led me to several conclusions. First, I really want those boots. There’s nothing particularly special about them, but they are blue. Second, I had to Wikipedia and Google research this wrestler, Cody Rhodes, cause I found him, um, intriguing to say the least. Thirdly, my fascination with the Zelda games, and the character Link in particular, is getting unhealthy for a person my age. Forthly, what other Zelda merchandise is out there that I don’t know about? Here are some of my favorite items from my exhaustive research. And by favorite, I mean I might actually seriously maybe kinda want some of this stuff:

Bedsheets. For sweet dreams.

An unnecessarily creepy throw pillow.

An unnecessarily creepy Halloween mask.

A thermos which I would totally take to work and if you don’t belive me then you don’t know me.

A freaking gold NES. That’s nice.

A cutting board. Sure, I don’t cut stuff. Sure, it’s completely useless. But…but…I want!

And a freaking Zelda sword! Oh, wait, I might have already accidently obtained this one…

Moral of the story: I had high hopes for this blog when I started out. I even discussed politics once upon a time! Now I’m reduced to posting pictures of wresters in blue underwear and Zelda boots. And as long as I’m sinking that low…the Zelda cartoon!:

Diet Coke and I: “Do I see a future there? But I don’t care if he beats me! It’s love!”

I’ve concluded that I can give up just about any food for the sake of being healthy. Cereal and peanut butter, both not bad for you unless you consumed them like I did, are effectively banned from my life (except on rare, RARE occasions). And I LOVE cereal and peanut butter. I can’t fully give up caffeine but I have stopped drinking coffee all together (except, like above, in rare occasions). And I also, once upon a time, gave up my favorite drink in the world, Dr. Pepper. Now I can’t even finish an entire can. Is that shit just caramelized sugar? How does anyone drink it?

But there are two things that my mind refuses to give up: alcohol and Diet Coke. Alcohol is not really a problem. All things considered, I don’t drink it that much (stop laughing, I’m serious. When was the last time I needed to drink water?). But, whoo boy, that Diet Coke. I have a serious problem. I’m not going to say how much I drink a day, cause I don’t even know, but lets just say that my intake is somewhere between “hey, maybe you should slow down” and “why is your urine black?”

And I don’t even know how this happened. I used to hate Diet Coke more than anything in the world. I used to make fun of people who drank it, like my dad (he eventually switched to Diet Dr. Pepper, which I just can’t muster much enthusiasm for). When I gave up Dr. Pepper I guess I just needed to get my caffeine fix somehow. And slowly but surely my tolerance to Diet Coke soared. And here I am today. A broken (literally) man. I am a raging Coke Head. And I see no way out of the abyss.

People try to tell me how bad it is for you. How it destroys your brain and your teeth and your urinary tract. And I don’t really pay too much attention ’cause, the way I’ve always figured, everything is bad for you in some way. Like carrots: they’re good for your eyes but they’re linked to cancer. Or alcohol, which studies show can prevent certain types of cancer but also destroys the liver. Moral of the story: everything is probably okay in moderation. But I have an utter contempt for moderation.

So today I read an article finally linking drinking soda with bone problems. Apparently, the body steals calcium from the bones in order to break up the phosphoric acid found in all colas. To quote the article, “…the occasional cola drinker probably needn’t worry…The real risk is for those who drink cola every day.” Fuck. AND WHO HAS BEEN HAVING TROUBLE WITH THEIR BONES LATELY?!? I NEVER USED TO BREAK BONES! The sad thing is, after I read that, I went out a got a large Diet Coke! It’s just what I do. I can’t stop it. Basically, this is a cry for help. Is there an appropriate substitute? They tried to put minerals in it, like it’s a health drink or something, and it tasted terrible. I’ve tried mineral water, just to get that fizziness, but then there’s the issue of caffeine, which is undoubtedly the main source of my Diet Coke addiction. Plus, crazy as it sounds, I actually like the way it tastes. What should I do? I see no way I can cut this out of my daily life, or even curb it for that matter.

Mario Kart Wii: After Tackling I-35 on Friday Afternoon, Rainbow Road Ain’t No Thang!

I loved Super Mario Kart back in the day. Still do in fact. I really liked Mario Kart 64. I’m a little mixed on Double Dash, though. The game was still fun, but I don’t think the whole “two drivers” mechanic really added anything new to the system besides make it unnecessarily complicated (I know complicated is not the best word to describe Mario Kart).

The most exciting thing about the Wii, as it is with any new Nintendo system, is seeing how all of our old favorites are updated. Mario and Metroid both came out awesome, as did Legend of Zelda (even though they made Link right-handed which I had some issues with…how’s that for modern cool nerd?). On a system that has largely ignored the normal gamer in favor of the new, all-important “casual” gamer (by causal, they mean girls, three-year-olds, the elderly, and your mom), the old school Nintendo franchises have fared well for us old fans by still being, you know, games and not gimmicks.

But the Nintendo party games like Mario Kart and Smash Bros. are a different story. It’s not that they are bad games. In fact, they’re a hell of a lot of fun. Why? ‘Cause the one before it was fun, and the new one is the same game with slightly enhanced graphics. Super Smash Bros. Brawl is great and all but its pretty much the same game as Melee only with more shit thrown at you.

The exact same could be said about Mario Kart Wii. Played a Mario Kart game before? Great. You’ve played this one. Now, that’s not an entirely bad thing. Why mess up something that was just fine to begin with? And you’ve got online now. And motion controls. Those count for something, right?

First, the online. It’s awesome that you can race people half a world away or create ghosts on Time Trial tracks and then upload them for other people to challenge. But just like Brawl, the multiplayer in these games is the most fun when you are actually in the room with people, trash talking and throwing controllers and screaming and drinking and crying and what not. I tend to see online multiplayer modes in these games as a step backwards. It’s a great feature to have, just don’t skimp on the regular, four-controller mode, which Mario Kart Wii doesn’t. And it’s still fun…

…to a point. But along with introducing the casual gamer to games, Nintendo strives to equal the playing field. Their games are designed so that pros AND new players are on the exact same level most of the time. Where anyone can win at anytime. Think of the new Smash Ball in Brawl: it gives everyone a chance to win. I don’t think this is a bad thing, as it keeps the game interesting and keeps that one asshole from hogging the controller when you’re playing “winner stays in” (unless that asshole is me). But how does Nintendo level the playing field in this game? By making sure you are hit with some kind of projectile every waking second of your existence. It’s not even a racing game anymore. It’s a fucking third-person shooter. If you’ve made forward momentum for five consecutive seconds, consider yourself a master.

Kart kombat has always been one of the things that has made Mario Kart fun, and part of the strategy of the game. If you don’t like lobbing shells, go play something boring like Gran Turismo (…but it looks so real! Then watch an actual race!). In the olden days, besides walking uphill to school in the snow, you had shells, banana peels, and lightning to worry about. And it was fun! Flash forward to Wii, and you’re dodging red shells, green shells, those fucking BLUE SHELLS!, bullets, stars, bombs, fireballs, octopuses, rain clouds, goombas, Mormons, people on the Drag handing out flyers on transcendental meditation, and so on. You plummet from 1st to 12th place in a matter of nanoseconds before plunging into fire and getting up only to be knocked on your ass by another fucking BLUE SHELL! The combat has gotten out of control. And like I said, while it helps level the playing field, I don’t know if it necessarily makes for a more fun game.

The big innovation of this game, and the console itself of course, is the motion controls. The game comes with a plastic wheel that you can plug your Wii-mote into and steer the kart that way. It’s like when you used to play the game and you would turn your controller and your body along with the turns, only now it’s doing something. I thought the use of the wheel was fun and added extra immersion to the game, but the controls were not exact enough. Maybe after playing with it for a while I’ll get better, but after a while I had to revert back to the Wavebird in order to really get good on the tracks. This reminded me again of Brawl (see a pattern?). The Wii and its games provide innovative controls that, in the end, don’t always feel natural and we have to turn to our old controllers in order to get the most fun out of the game. You can also play with the Wii classic controller, or you could just jump out of a window instead. I hate that thing.

So it might sound like I didn’t like this game. Far from it. It’s still Mario Kart. It’s still fun. I still love playing it with people. I still like the whimsy. I still giggle at every single noise Yoshi makes. It’s just, you know, I’ve done it before. But maybe that’s the charm. If they changed it up too much I’d probably complain about that. If I could implore Nintendo to do one thing before the next installment (’cause I know they’re reading), it would be to cut down on some of the weapons, especially the big boys, that make it less a game of skill than one of luck based on whoever has the fucking BLUE SHELL!!! at the moment.

On a final note, I just want to ask: why are the denizens of the Mario universe such angry drivers? I mean, they are just unnecessarily asshole-ish on the road. Reminds me of another set of drivers I know…

“No! Let me merge! I don’t want to exit! OH SWEET JESUS WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME OVER?!?”

In fact, I think I-35 would make an excellent Mario Kart track. You got potholes everywhere. You got Traffic (remember Toad’s Turnpike?). You got the jolliest bunch of asshole drivers this side of Bowser’s Castle 3. And what about the Upper/Lower Deck Split? It’s like one of those cool shortcuts. And you can also fly right off the highway on it! The Mushroom Kingdom ain’t got nothing on the ATX!

Being Honest With Myself and You, the Reader

It’s my second day and I already have blog writer’s block. I feel that we don’t know each other well enough to get into any heady philosophical discussions and nothing of note really happened in the world at large or in my world today…yet. I’ll probably regret that last sentence if the world ends tonight.

So I thought I’d learn a little more about myself and share my findings with you.

I have always considered myself to be just a tad on the dorky side. I’ve never been too eaten up with any one thing, and I do enough cool things to offset my dorkiness (like binge drinking), but I know a little too much about, say, The Battle of Yavin to be a normal guy, and people have described my apartment as something a five-year old would dream of (I disagree, but I’m also delusional).

I know there are going to be plenty of dorky postings on this site, so I wanted to know just how dorky I actually was. Using a random test that I found on Google, I have been identified as a Modern, Cool Nerd. The numerical breakdown is as follows: 52% Nerd, 56% Geek, 17% Dork.

This made me happy, as did this description: “The Modern, Cool Nerd is intelligent, knowledgeable and always the person to call in a crisis (needing computer advice/an arcane bit of trivia knowledge). They are the one you want as your lifeline in Who Wants to Be a Millionaire (or the one up there, winning the million bucks)! Congratulations!” I mean, it even congratulated me at the end. That means I won, right? And I’d always used the term “dorky” cause, I dont know, its more fun to spell, but a dork is someone who is socially awkward apparently and that is soooooo not me.

So Modern, Cool Nerd it is folks. As a reader to this site, you should now feel confident that you are getting the best information from the best and hippest source. And when I do talk about something “geeky,” thats okay cause geeks (I like that better than nerd) are in now and I’m one of the cool ones. (Thank God they didn’t ask me if I had a sword from The Legend of Zelda in my apartment or I would have been screwed [for the record, it was a gift]).

As a side note, out of curiosity, I took the test labeled Are You Gay? Unlike the whole nerdiness thing, I’m pretty sure I know where I stand on this one but I just wanted to see what the test would say and thereby judge how accurate the Nerd test had been. The first question was: “Do you enjoy sex with men?” Talk about a loaded question. I mean, do you even need anymore? I didn’t finish the test.