Ah, the Olympics. Every four years (and kinda sorta every two) they force me to sit for weeks at a time, staring blankly at my TV screen, watching sports that at no other point in my life would even remotely interest me. Seriously, did you know that competitions is most of the Olympic events happen EVERY YEAR? But when I turn on the TV, and come to like the World Championship of Gymnastics, I’m all “fuck that” and I go look for something more entertaining. But put those Olympic rings on the screen and I am SO THERE (and for some reason, an expert).
The first Olympics I remember were the ‘92 Barcelona Summer games. I watched them sort of passively, since everyone else in the house was, and patiently waited for them to end so the Ninja Turtles could come back on or something. But by the 94 Lillihammer and 96 Atlanta Olympics rolled around, I was absolutely transfixed. Especially those Atlanta games. I decided then and there, in the house that our family lived in in Gatesville with one bathroom for the five of us, that I was going to one day be in the Olympics. That’s one of those dreams that might have died.
98 Nagano was of course big, cause they were in Japan and, if you know me, just say “Japan” and I’m all “Watashi wa Nihon ga daisuki desu!” (still got it all these years later!). I remember those being a big deal because snowboarding was made a sport, which once again I could care less about but because it’s the effing Olympics I act like snowboarding is God’s gift or something. I hear that the games might be coming to Tokyo again in a few years, which would kick so much ass I don’t even know how much ass it would kick. If I couldn’t get away from the TV for Beijing, imagine if you combine the SUMMER Olympics and Japan. My ass hurts just thinking about it (cause, you know, I’d be sitting down so much).
For some reason, I skipped the 00 Sydney games completely. I don’t remember watching a single event. Watched a lot of the 02 Salt Lake City games. This is where everyone hated America because A) they were in America, B) we won a lot, and C) people thought we got too much attention for 9/11 when bad stuff happens all the time all over the world. Well, you know what, fuck you, rest of the world. That’s what the Olympics taught me. But, as it just so happens, I was sick (for reals) the entire time the games were on so I just laid in bed and watched nothing but ice skating and skiing and hockey and curling and the like. It was wonderful.
When 04 Athens rolled around, things started to get unhealthy. I estimate that I watched roughly 93% of televised coverage. This was the time when I got my first DVR, so I was able to speed up a bunch of the stuff (really, do you need to see shit like rowing at its normal speed? Do you really need to see it at all?). They were also in Athens, which is cool cause it’s like, you know, the birthplace of the Olympics and stuff. And I knew more about myself, so swimming was a much more enjoyable event to watch. And there was that one swimmer, that one guy, who I liked back then but was kinda sick of him by the end of the recent games. I think I watched the 06 Torino games. I seem to remember skiing. But it’s a blur.
Which brings me (finally) to the 08 Beijing games, and I had a blast. I missed the opening ceremony cause I was helping my sister buy a computer but, from what I hear, they were fake anyway and I could have done just as real a job with Legos. If I went through every event I watched, we’d be here longer than Billy and Gretchen’s Wedding post, and anyone who read would tell me to “shut the hell up” and never read again. So, here are a few quick bullet points:
-Michael Phelps is great and all, but Jesus H! NBC treated him like God or something. When he won team races, they were like “and Phelps does it!” If I were his teammate, I would seriously consider finding another sport. And why did he have a handlebar mustache before the games?
-And speaking of swimming, how much ass do the UT people kick? Seriously, the water might as well have been burnt orange.
-I might even watch diving and synchronized diving apart from the Olympics since it’s my new second favorite sport. And congrats to Matt Mitcham. Who, you might ask? It’s okay. NBC didn’t tell you about him. Stopping the Chinese from sweeping the diving medals was not a big enough story, I guess.
-We might have the dorkiest looking men’s gymnastics team ever. Seriously, this looks like something out of Tiger Beat circa 1986:
-I think I can cut rowing out of my Olympic intake and not really notice.
-The track events came off as really boring this year, even with all the Usain Bolt stuff. Maybe I’ve just moved on to other events? This used to be my favorite part. Did anyone else notice a lack of excitement?
-I missed all the taekwondo. And the ping pong. That pisses me off.
-The closing ceremonies were really, really boring. I turned them off.
-China. What a shady, shady place. I felt bad for every Chinese athlete who didn’t get the gold, cause you know the government was holding their grandma or dog hostage. I don’t want to take the time to list every questionable thing they did (like employ 9 year olds on the gymnastics team, shutting out the press, covering up the death of tourists, etc.), cause that would take longer than Billy and Gretchen’s wedding post. Suffice to say, I was surprised more people didn’t speak up about China. Now, I know they were the host country and you have to be nice. But still. And NBC basically sucked their dicks (China’s, not their own). It would be nice to think that maybe hosting the games would make for some change in China. We’ll see. I’m not holding my breath or anything. But, man, I really want to visit China now!
I could go on forever, even though I already have, with impressions of the games but I think you get the point. I am OBSESSED with watching the Olympics, staying up till one, watching stuff I don’t care about, ignoring totalitarian governments, stuff like that. And I can’t wait until the next summer events in London cause London is cool and everything. Yeah, I know there’s a winter one in Vancouver to tide me over. But if you haven’t gathered it by now, the winter ones don’t excite me as much. Why? Too much clothing.
And lest you think I will be glum about the Olympics ending, football season starts this weekend!
